Sitting under the proverbial table trying to escape from my computer

Here I am again, sitting under my proverbial table, hiding from my computer. I just got an edit back on chapter one, and realising how much work there is to be done, felt like quitting.

How often we give up so easily when hard times come. I think I need to preach to myself today. Corallie, DON'T GIVE UP YET!!


There.

Do I feel better?

A little.

But there's still so much work to be done! I don't want to edit today God. I don't feel like working. I know you want me to get this book written, but I feel so inadequate for the task. I can't do it!


I'm tired God. 


If it ever gets finished, I'll know it was You. I'll know this because I wanted to give up, and You wouldn't let me.


God, help me to get this work done. Help me to honour You by obeying You. Give me the strength to complete this task. I can't do it alone. I need Your help. I need your strength and peace. I need your encouragement. I need your wisdom.


I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. - Philippians 4:13


Okay God, I can do this. If you told me to write this book, then it will be done because it is in Your will. Your Word says that things will be done on earth as they are in heaven (Matt 6:10; 16:9). Well, in heaven, this book has already been written. All I need to do is ask You what it is, and then write it. Please help me.


Am I still sitting under my table? Well, no. I know there is work that needs to be done. So I'm getting out from under my proverbial table.

But for the time being, I might take a 'chillax' break. I need it :-) Writing a book is really hard work!

The real truth of divorce [Sample from Forgotten Children: The real casualties of divorce]

"There is a truth about divorce that nobody will tell you. Sure, they will tell you that your child might be effected, but they won't say how bad or for how long. The real lie is that your children will somehow magically just get over it. The truth is that your children will probably never really get over it. There will always be some sort of leftover residue, whether it shows up in their attitudes, current or future relationships, or even their understanding of what life is about. Divorce effects your child's self-confidence, feeling of security, and zest for life. If effects them both emotionally and developmentally in ways that you might not be able to see right now. The problem occurs when you convince yourself that there are no problems because you see no evidence. Little do you know what your child could be dealing with just under the surface; something they do not have the words to explain yet. You just wait and see before making a snap judgment that says your child has not been impacted. Children always are."

© Corallie Buchanan 2010. Sample taken from Forgotten Children: The real casualties of divorce.

Note: This was just written today and hasn't been edited yet. Anything good in it is from God...not me :-)

Forgotten Children: 'Captivated' Article Series, #1

Divorce. Its a word we hear spoken quite regularly. But we don't just hear it out in the general society. Unfortunately, when it is spoken of in church, it is often not from the pulpit, but people themselves experiencing it. We hear plenty about it, but why does nobody ever tell the other side of the story? Why does nobody speak of those who remain the silent casualties of war? Why doesn't anybody speak about the children?

Hi, my name is Corallie Buchanan, and I know all too well the pain that divorce brings to children. I grew up not knowing what a father was, nor what a 'normal' family should be. My earliest memories are filled with pain, and I never remember a time in my childhood where there was peace. As if living with this pain wasn't bad enough, I grew up with a severely disabled sibling which made life even harder. From a very early age, I was bitter, hard hearted, and resentful. I was a very angry child. I struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts, self-hatred, negativity, and feelings of absolute helplessness...and all before the age of 10 years old. I was a complete and utter emotional wreck, and I didn’t know how to get out. I wanted to die. Let me tell you, I had a LOT of emotional problems. I have experienced parental divorce more than once, and I spent much of my later life just trying to get over it. But I also found the grace of God at the age of 16, and my life has never been the same since. My testimony is that I am still here!

The hard part for me was not having anybody to help me. Nobody understood what was going on inside my head. My mother tried counselor after counselor, and nothing seemed to work. It wasn't until I got in my room alone with my bible and God that anything began to change. Since then, God has done miraculous things in my life, including a writing award, at least one published book, another one on the way, and countless other opportunities to speak into people's lives. Any opportunity God gives me to speak to people and help them get out of their messes, I consider an honour. But lately, God has been opening up a few new areas to me. I now feel a strong call to empower adults to help their own children, by helping them get into their child's mind and understand how they feel. If people understood what was going on inside, they would be better equipped to help our hurting children.

Children will react to divorce in different ways from their parents, and so many parents struggle to understand just how their child is feeling. Quite often in the turmoil and stress that comes with divorce, children are forgotten. Believe me, they feel it. But you can make a difference in your child's life, by God's help. Your child does not have to become a statistic.

This series of articles over the next few issues of Captivated is designed to help you get into the mind of your child, and understand divorce from their perspective. In this study, we will tackle both the short and long term effects of divorce on your child, and practical ways on how you can help them through it. Kelly and Emery (2003) identify six main areas of immediate, short-term impact which include: parental loss, economic loss, more life stress. These will be discussed in more detail as the series goes on. We will also speak of learning to hold your tongue (James 3), certain behavioural problems that may lead you to believe that your child is experiencing issues, and even begin to delve into what issues your children might be expecting to face in the long term future, especially in marriage relationships. Not much is written on the effects of parental divorce on the future marriage relationship, and is an area that sorely needs attention.

While divorce is not the ideal solution, the effects on your children can be overcome with a lot of prayer, gentle guidance, and work. While you may not be able to do everything yourself (after all, nobody is superman), you can look to those around you for help. If you don't have anyone, then start looking in churches, children's sporting clubs (you never know, there may be single parents doing the same thing as you). I am looking forward to taking on this journey with you over the next few months.

Article written for Captivated magazine

© Corallie Buchanan 2010.

Case studies: An inside look into how younger children process anxiety [Sample from Forgotten Children: The real casualties of divorce]

"The idea that children adapt quickly and readily to divorce, and suffer no lingering issues or negative consequences is inconsistent with the multitude of research that has been carried out in this area....

Observation of children at different ages produces different results. Preschool aged children lack the cognitive ability to understand the meaning of divorce, and face a fair amount of confusion. Four year-old Erin's* parents have been separated since she was 18 months old. Her parents share custody, with each having her alternate weeks on a “week on-week off” basis. Recently, Erin has started exhibiting alarming behaviour such as incredible outbursts of unreasonable anger, issues with authority, difficulty paying attention and accepting the word 'no', and a terrible regression in potty training. While many toddlers experience some of these symptoms, Erin's difficulties are seen to be abnormally larger than that of children her age. Her teachers are concerned that Erin may be showing early signs of childhood stress resulting from the divorce. This has made it difficult for the parents, who have been told to take Erin to a therapist. But Erin's parents are not alone. Two year old Phoebe* reacted in a similar fashion, waking up in the middle of the night screaming, extremely confused and quite frightened. It is probable that the constant change of location for both Erin and Phoebe led to a heightened degree of confusion, which would explain their unusual behaviour.

Divorce at this age can be very difficult for children, as they are only just becoming aware of themselves and the world around them. As a result, they see everything through black and white glasses, and their ability to reason and understand the more complicated issues of life is extremely limited. Their reliance on stability and routine is essential. When three year-old Jack's* parents divorced, Jack remained in the family home with his father while the mother went to live with a relative. Now that Jack is beginning to become aware of the world around him, the change between his family home and going to visit his mother has become a very distressing event for him. Jack continually cries when he knows he is to visit his mother, and spends the whole time being mean to both his mother and the other members of that household. He tells his mother he doesn't love her and will not go with her. Now for a kid who has a limited/simplistic ability to understand his circumstances, it would be safe to assume that this kid is not acting out of a genuine hate for his mother. In such cases as these, it appears to stem from the anxiety and confusion caused by the divorce, and the change in circumstances. His family home was always the place of stability where he had access to both of his parents. Now that one parent is missing, it is difficult for his undeveloped brain to understand the change in living arrangements. By taking Jack away from his family home on custody visits, Jack – in his limited understanding – sees this as taking him away from everything that is familiar. Naturally, this results in the anxiety we see displayed here.

...Nine year old Hugh's* parents have been separated since he was six months old. His life with his mother has been fairly unstable, and she has been through several volatile relationships. Hugh struggles significantly with academic performance and behavioural issues. Hugh would bite other children, throw tantrums, be disrespectful, tell lies, leave the school grounds, and struggle to maintain a reasonable academic standard. Hugh was passed from counselor to counselor by his mother, never staying with the same one for very long. But now Hugh lives with his father in a much more stable environment, and his behavioural problems have stopped. But much like Erin, Pheobe, and Jack, the lack of stability of the family unit and the constant change between parents has caused a fair amount of confusion and anxiety. Quite often, the only method a child has for communicating their feelings is through their behaviour. Now, this does not necessarily make this wrong, but developmentally at this stage they are unable to do otherwise."

*Names changed to retain anonymity

© Corallie Buchanan 2010. Sample taken from Forgotten Children: The real casualties of divorce.

Image: Tina Phillips / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Adult children: What really happens to children many years after divorce (sample from chapter two of "Forgotten Children: The real casualties of divorce")

Adult children

"We can't generate any good feelings on the inside because we don't even want to go there. We want to avoid being reminded of the pain and emptiness that we feel inside. We have to remain externally focused in order to avoid the inner pain. We need to stay in control, so we avoid those things that would threaten to take over our control; if we can feel pain, we know we are not in control. Those things that happened to us were completely out of our own control; it is a painful experience that was forced upon us without our consent, and so we avoid dealing with it. We will spend our whole life just trying to get over something that wasn't even our fault to begin with. So because we can't deal with what is on the inside, our only choice is to find comfort in the world outside of ourselves.

The desperate search for outward contentment is an echo of a deeper search for an inner resolution. Our inner issues are never resolved, so we never feel complete. We try to fix the problems we have on the inside by trying to make ourselves feel good on the outside. Drugs, alcohol, sexual addiction, relationships, gambling, helping others, even success, can become a cover up for a life that is empty inside. It is not just the 'bad stuff' that people use to cover up their pain. We focus our attention externally so that we never have to deal internally with the pain we have experienced. This is to our detriment. These things work for awhile, and just as you begin to feel like life is turning to normal, something happens. There comes a point where we have accumulated so much pain, that there are not enough 'comfort experiences' (sex, alcohol, drugs etc) to offset it anymore. The things which used to work instantaneously now barely work, and we find ourselves realising that we are running out of steam. We can only sustain this facade for so long until it gets the better of us. What happens then? We hit rock bottom..."

© Corallie Buchanan 2010. Sample taken from Forgotten Children: The real casualties of divorce.

Wow...incredibly overwhelmed. I seriously feel like I have embarked on a PHD!!!

In really beginning to put together the content for my next book, I have been overwhelmed by the amount of information and ideas that there are to encounter. This book is a HUGE project, and I mean HUGE! There are so many issues that need to be addressed, people's stories to tell, research that needs to be done...the task is overwhelming at times. So many people have been so excited about this book, before it has even really begun. I have lost count of the amount of people who have told me "It's about time somebody said something about this"...

I am now just beginning to realise just how much of a task it is, to tell people about the impacts of divorce on children. I have to bring together all the research there has been done on the topic, and believe me, there are hundreds. Not only that, sort through hundreds and hundreds of case studies, which can be quite depressing at times. I have to speak to people in my own acquaintance about their own stories, preparing them as additional case studies. Each participant has to be talked to in detail, and their stories recorded and summarised, while retaining high levels of anonymity. I have to look into the issues they face as adults and see in each case how that relates back to their problems as children. I also need to read through possibly hundreds of research studies on divorce (social research documents are not always easy to decipher, with statistics and charts, and lots of social science lingo...thank the Lord I have a social science degree). I have to brainstorm chapter ideas, making sure each chapter flows into the next with absolute clarity, so that nothing can take away from the message. Then, on top of all of this, I have to bring all of the myriads of information together into one document. Then comes the seemingly endless process of editing and rewriting the manuscript to prepare it for publication. Can anyone understand why I was feeling a little overwhelmed here?

But in the midst of that, I received a call from my mother. Isn't it great when mothers just seem to know at the right moment when their children just need that little bit of encouragement? She said that she was so excited about this new venture, and believed that it was going to be one of those eye opening, life changing books that  changes the whole community. "It's gonna be one of those books," she said. "I'm all for what you are doing, and stand behind you 100%." Just when I was feeling overwhelmed, God sent along my mum to encourage me.

This is no small task, but now I know why God needed me to work on this full time. So I had to sacrifice working in a full time paid career. So what? I feel like I have just taken on a PHD thesis to be honest. But there is already incredible interest in the book, that I know I am in the right place. God is in it, and I can't wait to see what He does with it.

P.S. This picture echoes just how I feel. Do you feel like that sometimes?

Little sticks, big logs

^           For you see your calling, brethren, that not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called. ^But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty; ^and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, ^that no flesh should glory in His presence.

                                        1 Corinthians 1:26-29 NKJV

Imagine you are camping, and attempting to start a fire. I've never done it myself. My husband is normally the fire junkie who loves to start our campfire. And we normally use matches (cheaters...I know!). I have always found it interesting to watch the process of how you gather the sticks and arrange them just so, in order to create the easiest platform for creating a campfire. I have noticed that most people go and find a whole heap of little twigs and sticks first. 

When God wants to start a fire, He doesn't always use big logs to start it. Quite often, it will take ages before these big logs catch on fire. So He gathers all those little twigs and sticks that may seem insignificant to many people; those twigs which most people would normally crush under their feet and forget about it. But when you are creating a fire, it is the little insignificant twigs that catch fire the quickest. Without these little twigs, you will have difficulty in creating a large fire.

It is the same with God's people. You may feel as insignificant and useless as a small twig, but it is that very position that God will use to create a big fire. Remember the feeding of the 5000? Do you know how they were fed? They were fed by small child with a big heart, who brought his five loaves of bread and two fish. He was what we would consider a small twig, but look what God used him to do?

So always remember, you may think you are an insignificant twig. But small twigs often start big fires.

dilemma...writing is not so simple anymore...

Today, I'm writing about the impacts of divorce on people in their future marriages. Its fairly unchartered territory for me, and I'm assuming for some other people too. As some of you know, I've been recently married myself, and just when I thought dealing with my past was over, a whole new host of issues have decided to surface themselves. Now I know why God wanted me to write this book...too many people face this, and its time something was done.


Writing, and putting things I'm thinking into words, has never been much of a problem for me. I've always found it quite easy to 'put pen to paper'. But when I came to this current chapter I'm working on, I find myself really struggling. The words are there inside my head, and inside my heart, but they just won't come out. You writers will understand...you can feel what you want to say, but can't say what you want to say. So for the time being, my pda is ever at the ready beside my bed, just in case God should choose to give me inspiration in the middle of the night (hey, He has done it before, so why not be prepared.. both my published book and current manuscript were 'conceived' that way). And when I had a rather emotional night the other night, my husband pointed out my pda sitting next to the bed and said to me, maybe you should write something... He offered to get my computer from downstairs, but I didn't want to lose the moment. I lay down to sleep, and just waited for God to give me the words to speak. This is what came out, which I fleshed out at a later time (the fleshed out part is in normal text):

******************

They will not want to put themselves a place of submission, because submission was always a place of extreme pain. Those to whom they were called to submit have hurt them deeply. In order to protect themselves from being hurt again, whether they know it or not, they refuse to place themselves in a position of vulnerability. Submission is such a place. Anything that resembles or serves as a reminder of a place of extreme pain is avoided at all costs. This can be manifested in behaviours such as extreme anger, mood swings, irritability, self centredness, amongst others. I've had plenty of these, and for months and months I had no idea why. I couldn't pinpoint the source of all these feelings of anger and frustration. As soon as my husband required me to submit to an opinion that I didn't agree to, all these feelings of rage and anger would begin to surface that I just couldn't understand. I felt beat down and defeated, and fairly angry. But I had no way to explain why I felt this way.

******************

I'm still not exactly sure where God is taking this book, but He's certainly taking it somewhere. The amount of interest that people have already shown in reading it makes me really begin to think...maybe God is showing me there is a real need in this area. I am amazed at the amount of times I have already heard the phrase, "It's about time..." from people. More than one person has told me that its about time somebody wrote something about this area. It's about time somebody tried to do something about it. Maybe God is trying to show me something, hey? Maybe God is trying to encourage me to keep going, even though certain sacrifices have to be made to do it...money, time, freedom.... But I can't just leave it alone. The idea just keeps drawing me back to write...and write, and write, and write. Its a book I just can't put down. I can't get it out of my head. It just keeps gnawing away at my heart, and won't leave me alone. I think there's a point in this!

God, what are you doing to me?

Doing things for the wrong motives

Photo courtesy of PDPhoto.org

I have been reading about Baalam and Balak in my time with God the last few days. I have found it quite interesting, and there was one particular point which I just couldn't understand, and kept 'chewing on', trying to figure it out. Basically the story goes, there was a king named Balak, who lived in a country called Moab. He saw how the people of Israel had conquered nearby nations. When the Israelites wanted to pass through a neighbouring province on their way to somewhere else, the king of that province refused them entry, even though the people had promised not to use their water, food, or fields, but would stick only to the king's road. Still he refused, and set out to attack the Israelites. The king and all his men were killed, and nobody was left. The Israelites then took over the land and lived there for awhile (Numbers 21:21-35).

So the king of Moab saw this and was very scared of the Israelites. Then he decided to call on Baalam, the diviner, to curse the people of Israel. A diviner is like a sooth-sayer, or a false prophet. Nobody really knows a lot about Baalam. Some say he is a non-Israelite prophet. Whatever he is, he features quite strongly in this story.

So Balak sends men to Baalam, asking him to come and curse the Israelites so they will leave the land. When the men arrive, they bring what was considered a traditional fee/payment for a diviner. Baalam asks them to stay the night, at which time he would enquire of the Lord as to whether he could go with them. God comes to him later and asks him who the men are. Baalam replies, “Balak the son of Zippor, king of Moab, has sent to me, saying, ^‘Look, a people has come out of Egypt, and they cover the face of the earth. Come now, curse them for me; perhaps I shall be able to overpower them and drive them out.’ ” (Numbers 22:10-11) God then says, “You shall not go with them; you shall not curse the people, for they are blessed.” So he's not allowed to go, and tells his visitors.


Not long after this, the king sends more important men to try and convice Baalam to come. Knowing full well what God has already said, a great big NO!, Baalam still asks these men to stay the night, and he would enquire of the Lord. Now this is the point we come to. Baalam, knowing very clearly what God's will is, seeks to see if there has been any change of mind. So God concedes and allows Baalam to go, but only to say what God tells him to say. What follows shortly after is what confused me for awhile. The Bible says that God became angry at Baalam for going (Numbers 22:22).


Until this morning, that verse had me very confused. I thought, if God told Baalam to go, then why was he getting angry at Baalam for going? Wasn't Baalam just doing what he was told? My husband and I mulled over this last night as we were getting ready for bed, and neither of us could come up with a probable answer. So this morning when I sat down, I naturally turned to this passage again and discovered something interesting. 


Yes, Baalam did go. Yes, God did give permission. But what God was really angry at was Baalam's attitude. He should never have questioned God in the first place. What God said is what God said. 2 Peter 2:15-16 outlines Baalam's true motive, They have forsaken the right way and gone astray, following the way of Balaam the son of Beor, who loved the wages of unrighteousness; ^but he was rebuked for his iniquity: a dumb donkey speaking with a man’s voice restrained the madness of the prophet. Baalam's true motive for wanting to go was greed. He wanted the money and prestige for the job. He wanted an excuse to gain benefits for himself. Yes, he was initially doing what God told him, but I don't believe that when he went, he intended to say what God wanted him to say. He was going to say whatever he wanted to please the 'highest bidder'. His motives were totally wrong.

So what does God do to make sure he obeys? He uses a donkey to speak to Baalam. As Baalam journeys toward Moab, his donkey decides to keep turning off the path and go another way. His donkey just refuses to take him to Moab. What Baalam cannot see is that an Angel of the Lord is preventing Baalam and his donkey from continuing on in their journey by standing in the donkey's way. Baalam keeps whipping the donkey in order to get it to move. Finally, the donkey has enough, and God opens the donkey's mouth to speak to Baalam.

Then the Lord opened the mouth of the donkey, and she said to Balaam, “What have I done to you, that you have struck me these three times?”

^And Balaam said to the donkey, “Because you have abused me. I wish there were a sword in my hand, for now I would kill you!”

^So the donkey said to Balaam, “Am I not your donkey on which you have ridden, ever since I became yours, to this day? Was I ever disposed to do this to you?”

And he said, “No.”

Numbers 22:28-30

God was making it clear to Baalam that since he insisted on going to Moab, things were going to be done God's way, and only God's way. If Baalam was going there to pronounce a curse on the Israelites, then God would not allow his donkey to go on any further.

This story shows the importance of doing things with the right motives. It is so easy to get caught up in wanting to get things for ourselves that we forget what life is really all about. It is about following God, and doing things God's way. We need to be so careful that we don't do things for the wrong motive. We need to also be careful that we do not question God when he tells us a reason for doing or not doing something. If someone said to you, don't touch the fire, its hot, then we need to trust that they know what they are talking about. Two lessons can be drawn from this passage: don't question God, and don't do things with the wrong motive. It just isn't worth it.

P.S. A short 'LOL' for you. After posting this, I had an attack of, am I doing the right thing? Did I really hear from God? What am I doing here? I am 25, nearly 26 (in 7 days time), and writing full time. Shouldn't I be out there in full time paid work like so many other people my age? BIG LOL!!!! Why didn't I just take my own medicine and remember Baalam, not question God and just do what He told me to do?

You know, this takes sacrifice. Its not just something you do on the spur of the moment. Financial sacrifices are a biggie. We don't have as much as we would like. But that's okay. Contrary to popular belief, IT'S NOT ABOUT MONEY! I would rather be in the will of God than have all the money in the world. If the reason I went to Bible College was to go out and earn lots of money, I would have doing it with the wrong motives, just like Baalam. I went there to serve God, period. If God chooses to bless me with money for it, then great. But until then, I'll keep writing. If I make a few enemies, so what? I'm in God's will, and that's all that matters.

Why does God allow pain and suffering?

You know, sometimes we have pain in our lives that we just can't explain, and we cant reason away. Today I came across this story just randomly, and it really encouraged me, so I wanted to share it all with you. I don't know where it originates from or who wrote it, but it is a beautiful story.


A man went to a barber shop to have his hair cut, and his bread trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a conversation about many things, and various subjects. When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said, "I don't believe that God exists." "Why do you say that?" asked the customer. "Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist."

"Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving God would allow all of these things."

The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop.

Just after he left the barber shop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair, and an untrimmed beard. The customer then turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber, " You know what? Barber's don't exist." "How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here and I am a barber, and I just worked on you."

"No," the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty, long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."

"Ah, but barbers DO exist. That's what happens when people do not come to me."

"Exactly," affirmed the customer. "That's the point. God, too, DOES exist. That's what happens when people do not go to HIM, and do not look to HIM for help."

"That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world"


When you have pain, you need to turn to God, because He's the only one who can help you. It's just the plain truth of it.

A short preview

I decided to post one or two paragraphs of the current chapter, so that you may all get an idea for where the book is heading. Here you will get to see what this busy little beaver has been doing over the last few months. These excerpts are from the almost complete chapter one. All text is Copyrighted and may not be reproduced.

"Divorce can be a nasty thing, especially for a child. You see, a child often has no choice in the decisions their parents make on their behalf. Many children suffer in silence, because they believe there is nobody out there who really understands exactly how they feel. A child feels neglected, alone, and scared, all because their world is completely out of their own control. They are scared, and feel like they have nobody to talk to. After all, when their parents get a divorce, they have their own concerns to take care of right? Unfortunate as it is, some children seem to get lost and forgotten in the process. Nobody has ever asked them how they feel about divorce, and they feel like nobody cares or even notices. In the turmoil that is divorce, children can feel lost and confused as their parents desperately try to adjust to living life on their own. Parents have a lot to deal with when there has been a breakdown in the family. They are quite often swamped with court procedures, paperwork, custody battles, moving, life change adjustment, emotional issues, anger, frustration, and hurt; in the craziness, children can sometimes be forgotten. Whether or not it is intentional, children quite often bear the real brunt of divorce, for it is something that happens to them without their permission, and often without any explanation. They are just told,"Mummy and Daddy are getting a divorce." Some kids may be too young to even understand what this means. But before they know it, their whole life is turned upside down, and nothing will ever be the same. In this, children become innocent bystanders and casualties of war. It is these children that need our help."

"As a child, I struggled in school, both academically and socially. I felt like an outcast and found it difficult to make friends. I was incredibly shy and insecure, and had an extreme lack of confidence. Academically, I was doing quite poorly, and needed special assistance from the teachers. As I got older, I still found it a struggle to feel as if I 'fit in' socially, and always felt on the outer. There wasn't much change for me academically speaking either. When it was time to begin university, the only way I gained entry was through a program for disadvantaged students. Most of my insecurities and lack of confidence was due to the issues I suffered as a result of divorce. But through God's help, I was able to turn it around, and not only graduate, but go on to complete a Master's degree and also become a published author.

But not all people have endings like mine. Some people spend their whole lives feeling the same way as they have always done. Many people never get over divorce, and that is indeed a sad state of affairs. Divorce is hard on children, full stop, whether they show it or not. What is even harder is when they reach adulthood and are suffering all these problems, but can never find the root cause of them. When you don't know the root cause of an issue, how can you possibly hope to overcome it? It just isn't possible until you first address the real problem; it is this problem that we want to avoid, before it becomes a problem."

© Corallie Buchanan 2010

Official post for divorce questionnaire

Hi all,

Here is a repost of the divorce questionnaire, along with an explanation for those of you who missed my last post on the topic. For those who don't know, I am a full time writer (see my website and online portfolio), and author of "Watch Out! Godly Women on the Loose". I have recently begun to write a book on children and divorce. I have had a few people express interest, and just so you know who I am and what I do, I decided to update this post and provide a permanent link on my blog page.

The book talks about divorce, and its effects on children. I want to hear your stories of your experiences with divorce. What are some issues that you have had to deal with? What have you found hard as the result of divorce? I know there are a lot of people out there for whom divorce has effected them in all different ways. With your permission, I would possibly like to include these ideas in the book. Anonymity will be maintained, and any information will be brought together in general comments concerning different issues (ie what adults generally dealt with as a result of divorce in their childhood). No personal details of identity or location will be given. I know each person feels it differently, and I don't want the book to be just about the issues that I dealt with, but a general broad spectrum of people's experiences. Example: "Many people I spoke to said that they found ________ to be a really hard issue to deal with, and it seems to be quite common amongst those whose parents were divorced..."

If it helps to understand the perspective the book is taking, then here is a sample from the introduction:

"Let me make it clear to you now exactly what I am doing in this book, so that there can be no misunderstanding. Firstly, I will tell you what I am NOT doing. I am not speaking to you as a parent who has experienced divorce. I am not speaking to you as a parent attempting to give advice to another parent. I am not a parent from a divorced family, so I do not have the authority to give such advice. I am not telling you whether or not you should get a divorce, because it is not my place to make such a judgment; that is your decision alone. I am not speaking of how to work through blended families, because even though I spent most of my life in a blended family, I am not in a position of authority to be able to advise parents of how to create and maintain a blended family. I am not trying to provide you with a quick fix to your problems, or to tell you how to run your family. I am not telling you that your children will definitely experience serious issues because of a breakdown in the family. Not all children have problems as a result of divorce."

© Corallie Buchanan 2010

From this, it is clear that I am not offering criticism or condemnation of those who have been, or will be divorced. I come from a divorced family myself, and would never tear down anyone in that position. I am merely helping parents to understand things from the perspective of their children. If you feel your story might be of use in this endeavour, please feel free to email me @ corallie.buchanan@gmail.com with your stories and ideas.

Here are some questions to get you started:

How old were you when your parents were divorced?

If you can remember back to when your parents were divorced, how did it make you feel? What emotions did you experience and why?

Looking back, what were some of the hardest adjustments you had to make when your parents divorced?

How did it feel growing up without a father? When you hear the word, does it mean anything to you?

Did the other parent have an involvement in your life after the divorce, and if so, did this impact you positively or negatively? Do you think only having one parent was detrimental?

(for men specifically) As an adult male, how do you believe the lack of male role models has effected you now?

Do you remember the economic situation after your parents divorced? How did having less money make you feel?

Do you think your parents ability to cope with divorce impacted how you were brought up? If so, are these issues still impacting you today, and how?

Was there a lot of conflict in your family, and how did this make you feel?

Do you still have a sadness/regret about your parents divorce? If so, why? Are there still some painful memories associated with the divorce?

Do you think divorce has impacted your ability to understand the marriage relationship? If so, how?

Do you think the divorce has inhibited your ability to feel close to God? If yes, how?

Imagine yourself as a child again, and what you might have said to your parents then, knowing what you do now? What advice would you give other parents considering the same course?

What is writing really, but speaking through your fingers? Advice for those wanting to write a book.

Recently I was asked by someone how you can start writing a book if you don't know where to begin. For anyone else who may be asking that question, I would give them the following advice. 


"The best way to write is from the heart, and to not be all fancy and wordy, but true to who you are. If you don't know how to write, just speak it out loud, and then write exactly what you say. I generally write as if I was speaking to someone directly. If you can tell someone your story verbally, then you can write it. Just don’t think of it as writing. You are speaking through your fingers. That's all writing is really.

The best thing I can encourage you to do is start small, and just relate your earliest childhood memory. It could be the time you made a mud pie, or stubbed your toe. And as I said, write as if you were verbally telling me about it. If it helps, physically speak it out loud. Record it, and then transcribe what you said. The best way to write a book is to start at the very beginning (and please pardon the reference to the sound of music)."

Just because you feel intimidated by the thought of writing a book, that doesn't mean you shouldn't write one. The best advice I can give you is don't set out to write a whole book. If you do that, you will get so intimidated that you will never ever write a book. Don't think of it as a book...think of it as a memory. Start out by reliving one small memory from your past. Funny advice is to think small...I know its strange, but if you think too big, the idea will seem too big for you. Keep focused on the small things.

This, and other advice, will be part of my upcoming seminar at The Word Writer's conference in November at Capalaba. To register, visit http://www.thewordwriters.com/. Hope to see you there.

Do you see Jesus in your cloud?

            Behold, He is coming with clouds, and every eye will see Him, even they who pierced Him. And all the tribes of the earth will mourn because of Him. 

                                      Revelation 1:7

Quite often in the Bible, clouds are always associated with God. In our lives, clouds can represent sorrows or frustrations, and even confusing times where we are not really sure of our life direction. It is in these times we can sometimes wonder whether God is actually there at all. We don't feel Him, we can't see Him, and our circumstances seem to betray something other than His constant presence. It feels as if He is completely absent, and doesn't even care about what we are going through. Yet it is through these very circumstances (or clouds) that God is teaching us to walk by faith. If we had no hard times, why would we need faith? We would become self sufficient, and wouldn't need God at all.

Today in my devotion time, I was reminded of a simple truth. When we have those times in our lives where we are not quite sure where God is taking us, and when we feel completely lost, God is still there. There are times when we feel as if our head is in a fog, and we can't really see or think clearly. I know recently, I have been asking God what He is doing, and where is He taking me. I have felt a little lost, and wondering why God is taking me the way He is. There are things in my life at the moment, that I have been continually asking God for direction about, and yet I seem to hear no answer. I have been wondering why God is so silent. So what do you do in those times? I guess you just keep walking.

Do you know that God is there in those cloudy times, when you are unsure of anything? Do you feel lost? God is there. Do you feel confused and dazed? God is there. 

The Bible says that the clouds are the dust of His feet (Nahum 1:3). Clouds are evident that God has been walking there. There is nothing that happens in your life which God does not already know about. Take comfort that you are in a cloud, because you know that God is in there with you. Depend upon it.

My inspiration this morning came from God first, but through this devotion by Oswald Chambers: http://utmost.org/do-you-see-jesus-in-your-clouds/