My personal testimony

 After watching somebody's testimony on tape this morning, I really felt the need to once again bring out my own testimony and share it with you guys. I wanted to do this to honour God, and to remind people that no matter what you have been through or are going through right now, no pit is so deep that God cannot reach down into it and pull you out. No emotional grave is too hard for God. You may feel like your life is a graveyard, or that the inside of your heart looks like ground zero, but nothing, absolutely nothing is beyond God's help.

My personal testimony : The journey of my life with God

Ever since I was a child, I have experienced some kind of pain in my life. My own mother left my father when I was just seven months old, to get away from his often violent behaviour and short temper. She later remarried when I was three years old. My mother had my younger brother. Due to tension and long suffering within the marriage, it ended when I was ten years old. During that time there was constant fighting in the house, which eventually lead to my mother’s total nervous breakdown. For months my mother stayed in a private hospital, unable to swallow food. Instead, she was fed through a tube. I only saw her a few times during those long months. I remember feeling it to be all my fault.

As a result of having a disabled brother, I often felt left out of the equation, as my mother would often have to tend to my brother’s needs before mine. There was nothing she could do about it. We were never able to go on family holidays, and we couldn’t go on outings. I felt alone and unworthy, and most of all unloved.

At primary school, I was a social outcast. Nobody would play with me at lunchtimes, and I would often find myself sitting in a corner of the library by myself. In highschool, although I had friends, I never really did feel accepted or even part of the ‘in-group’. I grew to hate myself.

As a result of many things that happened in my past, I was insecure and would constantly tear myself down. I was in so much emotional pain that I wanted to die. I was angry with God for letting these things happen to me, and I often thought about committing suicide. I was very bitter and hard hearted; also regretful and depressed, because I had never really had a father figure in my life.

When I was ten years old, I remember being in so much pain that it caused me to begin to experience depression and anxiety, and made me prone to outbursts of anger. I was a complete and utter emotional wreck, and I didn’t know how to get out.

I surrendered my life to God on my first youth group camp when I was twelve years old. I came to the point where I realised I was a sinner, and that I needed God. Although I had been brought up in a Christian home, I had never really let the message of salvation through Christ sink in. Up until that time, I had never really thought of myself as a sinner. I finally realised that without God’s grace and mercy, and without the sacrifice that Jesus made on the cross, my salvation would not be possible. I would not be able to have close fellowship with God, without accepting Jesus as my Lord and Saviour. I realised that without the shedding of blood, there can be no forgiveness (Hebrews 9:22), and that I needed God in my life. I made my first commitment to Christ on this youth camp, however, it took many years before this realisation was to be worked out in my life.


During my high school years, I fell away from God. The healing process that needed to take place in my heart had not yet begun to take effect. When I hit university, the emotional pain that I had been in finally began to take its toll on my physical body. I often suffered from major panic attacks. I would be in such a panic that I would be hyperventilating and heaving, trying to breath. My mind would be completely blank, and my stomach felt like it was on a roller coaster. I was losing weight and getting sick all the time, until finally I came to a point where I could stand it no longer. I rededicated my life to Christ, and surrendered my life to Him. I realised once again that I was a sinner and needed forgiveness for my sins. I realised that the only way that I could ever find healing in my heart was if I surrendered my past to God, and allow Him to begin a healing process in my life.

Throughout my life, I have experienced a great deal of pain and sadness. I have experienced severe undiagnosed depression, suicidal thoughts, social exclusion, family turmoil, divorce, lack of father figure, amongst many other things. All of these hard experiences led to me experiencing a lot of emotional pain. It left me in a state of complete emotional turmoil for many years. I didnt know if I could ever get out of my mess. My life was a complete wreck, and it was this deep pit that God reached His hand into to pull me out. If it werent for God, I would not be here today. I would most likely have committed suicide by now due to the direction I was heading.

I will be forever grateful for Gods gracious love towards me, and His ever-present desire to fill those gaps that I experienced as a child.

My family has often told me that I inherited a great deal of characteristics from my great grandmother, Annie Rudolph (R middle). Annie was a very strong Christian woman, who was a deaconess and regular preacher in the Baptist church in the early 1900s. Her husband, Henry J. Rudolph, invested thousands upon thousands of dollars into an organisation called Christian Works Mission. This mission saw the establishment of many ventures, including a Baptist retirement home in Rockhampton called Shalome Retirement Home. Henry also bought a property and built a church on it using his own money. Out of the eight siblings that Annie had (including two adopted), six were very strong Christians.

I may not have had much of a life before Christ, but I certainly have one now! Even though I didn't have a good start in life, I treasure the legacy my great grandparents left to me. I also think of what kind of legacy I might want to leave behind. Most importantly, I am constantly reminded of the amazing journey God has placed me on, and the hard things He has brought me through. Without God, I would eventually be lying in a gutter somewhere.

My hearts desire is to pastor and disciple young women who have come from broken homes, and/or grown up without their fathers. I have a real desire to work with people who have come from a similar background to me, and who are still suffering from the effects of their past. I pray that God would enable and empower me to be an instrument through which His healing power can be used.

My hearts desire is to serve God, to know Him and make Him known. I believe that God has given me a passion for writing down the lessons that I have learned and my experiences with God, to share them with other people so that they may be helped and encouraged. With Gods leading and direction, I want to help people find the same victory in God that he helped me find. I want to see people become all God has created them to be, and to rise up out of the pain of their past.

If there was hope for me, then there is hope for anybody! If you give over control of your life to God, you will see Him completely change you to the point where you dont even want to go back! He will make your life so amazingly complete that you will never want to live another second without Him in your life. Romans 3:23 says that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, which means that it doesnt matter who you are we have all done wrong things. These wrong things separate us from God. But the rest of the verse says that we were all justified freely by His grace. Grace is the unmerited favour of God. God loves you no matter what you have done, and wants to have a relationship with you. If you would like to give control over to God and ask Him to come into your life and make you new, then pray this prayer:

Dear God,
I know that I have done wrong in my life and walked away from you. I realise that my wrong things separate me from you, Please forgive me for all the wrong things that I have done. I give control of my life over to you Jesus and ask you to come into my life and make me a new person, and change me from the inside out. Thankyou that you have forgiven me, and I look forward to spending the rest of my life getting to know you better. Amen!

If you have prayed this prayer, then I would love to hear from you. 

The amazing blessing of life is that I now have a wonderful husband, who teaches me things about God on a daily basis, who works with me to help me understand myself and my God better. I also have an awesome relationship with my stepfather, and he is really making an effort to make up for all those lost years of relationship we might have had, by becoming a father to me, and a grandfather to my daughter. God CAN heal and restore relationships, if you will let him. I guarantee it!

Corallie

 

Sitting under the proverbial table trying to escape from my computer

Here I am again, sitting under my proverbial table, hiding from my computer. I just got an edit back on chapter one, and realising how much work there is to be done, felt like quitting.

How often we give up so easily when hard times come. I think I need to preach to myself today. Corallie, DON'T GIVE UP YET!!


There.

Do I feel better?

A little.

But there's still so much work to be done! I don't want to edit today God. I don't feel like working. I know you want me to get this book written, but I feel so inadequate for the task. I can't do it!


I'm tired God. 


If it ever gets finished, I'll know it was You. I'll know this because I wanted to give up, and You wouldn't let me.


God, help me to get this work done. Help me to honour You by obeying You. Give me the strength to complete this task. I can't do it alone. I need Your help. I need your strength and peace. I need your encouragement. I need your wisdom.


I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. - Philippians 4:13


Okay God, I can do this. If you told me to write this book, then it will be done because it is in Your will. Your Word says that things will be done on earth as they are in heaven (Matt 6:10; 16:9). Well, in heaven, this book has already been written. All I need to do is ask You what it is, and then write it. Please help me.


Am I still sitting under my table? Well, no. I know there is work that needs to be done. So I'm getting out from under my proverbial table.

But for the time being, I might take a 'chillax' break. I need it :-) Writing a book is really hard work!

The real truth of divorce [Sample from Forgotten Children: The real casualties of divorce]

"There is a truth about divorce that nobody will tell you. Sure, they will tell you that your child might be effected, but they won't say how bad or for how long. The real lie is that your children will somehow magically just get over it. The truth is that your children will probably never really get over it. There will always be some sort of leftover residue, whether it shows up in their attitudes, current or future relationships, or even their understanding of what life is about. Divorce effects your child's self-confidence, feeling of security, and zest for life. If effects them both emotionally and developmentally in ways that you might not be able to see right now. The problem occurs when you convince yourself that there are no problems because you see no evidence. Little do you know what your child could be dealing with just under the surface; something they do not have the words to explain yet. You just wait and see before making a snap judgment that says your child has not been impacted. Children always are."

© Corallie Buchanan 2010. Sample taken from Forgotten Children: The real casualties of divorce.

Note: This was just written today and hasn't been edited yet. Anything good in it is from God...not me :-)

Forgotten Children: 'Captivated' Article Series, #1

Divorce. Its a word we hear spoken quite regularly. But we don't just hear it out in the general society. Unfortunately, when it is spoken of in church, it is often not from the pulpit, but people themselves experiencing it. We hear plenty about it, but why does nobody ever tell the other side of the story? Why does nobody speak of those who remain the silent casualties of war? Why doesn't anybody speak about the children?

Hi, my name is Corallie Buchanan, and I know all too well the pain that divorce brings to children. I grew up not knowing what a father was, nor what a 'normal' family should be. My earliest memories are filled with pain, and I never remember a time in my childhood where there was peace. As if living with this pain wasn't bad enough, I grew up with a severely disabled sibling which made life even harder. From a very early age, I was bitter, hard hearted, and resentful. I was a very angry child. I struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts, self-hatred, negativity, and feelings of absolute helplessness...and all before the age of 10 years old. I was a complete and utter emotional wreck, and I didn’t know how to get out. I wanted to die. Let me tell you, I had a LOT of emotional problems. I have experienced parental divorce more than once, and I spent much of my later life just trying to get over it. But I also found the grace of God at the age of 16, and my life has never been the same since. My testimony is that I am still here!

The hard part for me was not having anybody to help me. Nobody understood what was going on inside my head. My mother tried counselor after counselor, and nothing seemed to work. It wasn't until I got in my room alone with my bible and God that anything began to change. Since then, God has done miraculous things in my life, including a writing award, at least one published book, another one on the way, and countless other opportunities to speak into people's lives. Any opportunity God gives me to speak to people and help them get out of their messes, I consider an honour. But lately, God has been opening up a few new areas to me. I now feel a strong call to empower adults to help their own children, by helping them get into their child's mind and understand how they feel. If people understood what was going on inside, they would be better equipped to help our hurting children.

Children will react to divorce in different ways from their parents, and so many parents struggle to understand just how their child is feeling. Quite often in the turmoil and stress that comes with divorce, children are forgotten. Believe me, they feel it. But you can make a difference in your child's life, by God's help. Your child does not have to become a statistic.

This series of articles over the next few issues of Captivated is designed to help you get into the mind of your child, and understand divorce from their perspective. In this study, we will tackle both the short and long term effects of divorce on your child, and practical ways on how you can help them through it. Kelly and Emery (2003) identify six main areas of immediate, short-term impact which include: parental loss, economic loss, more life stress. These will be discussed in more detail as the series goes on. We will also speak of learning to hold your tongue (James 3), certain behavioural problems that may lead you to believe that your child is experiencing issues, and even begin to delve into what issues your children might be expecting to face in the long term future, especially in marriage relationships. Not much is written on the effects of parental divorce on the future marriage relationship, and is an area that sorely needs attention.

While divorce is not the ideal solution, the effects on your children can be overcome with a lot of prayer, gentle guidance, and work. While you may not be able to do everything yourself (after all, nobody is superman), you can look to those around you for help. If you don't have anyone, then start looking in churches, children's sporting clubs (you never know, there may be single parents doing the same thing as you). I am looking forward to taking on this journey with you over the next few months.

Article written for Captivated magazine

© Corallie Buchanan 2010.

Case studies: An inside look into how younger children process anxiety [Sample from Forgotten Children: The real casualties of divorce]

"The idea that children adapt quickly and readily to divorce, and suffer no lingering issues or negative consequences is inconsistent with the multitude of research that has been carried out in this area....

Observation of children at different ages produces different results. Preschool aged children lack the cognitive ability to understand the meaning of divorce, and face a fair amount of confusion. Four year-old Erin's* parents have been separated since she was 18 months old. Her parents share custody, with each having her alternate weeks on a “week on-week off” basis. Recently, Erin has started exhibiting alarming behaviour such as incredible outbursts of unreasonable anger, issues with authority, difficulty paying attention and accepting the word 'no', and a terrible regression in potty training. While many toddlers experience some of these symptoms, Erin's difficulties are seen to be abnormally larger than that of children her age. Her teachers are concerned that Erin may be showing early signs of childhood stress resulting from the divorce. This has made it difficult for the parents, who have been told to take Erin to a therapist. But Erin's parents are not alone. Two year old Phoebe* reacted in a similar fashion, waking up in the middle of the night screaming, extremely confused and quite frightened. It is probable that the constant change of location for both Erin and Phoebe led to a heightened degree of confusion, which would explain their unusual behaviour.

Divorce at this age can be very difficult for children, as they are only just becoming aware of themselves and the world around them. As a result, they see everything through black and white glasses, and their ability to reason and understand the more complicated issues of life is extremely limited. Their reliance on stability and routine is essential. When three year-old Jack's* parents divorced, Jack remained in the family home with his father while the mother went to live with a relative. Now that Jack is beginning to become aware of the world around him, the change between his family home and going to visit his mother has become a very distressing event for him. Jack continually cries when he knows he is to visit his mother, and spends the whole time being mean to both his mother and the other members of that household. He tells his mother he doesn't love her and will not go with her. Now for a kid who has a limited/simplistic ability to understand his circumstances, it would be safe to assume that this kid is not acting out of a genuine hate for his mother. In such cases as these, it appears to stem from the anxiety and confusion caused by the divorce, and the change in circumstances. His family home was always the place of stability where he had access to both of his parents. Now that one parent is missing, it is difficult for his undeveloped brain to understand the change in living arrangements. By taking Jack away from his family home on custody visits, Jack – in his limited understanding – sees this as taking him away from everything that is familiar. Naturally, this results in the anxiety we see displayed here.

...Nine year old Hugh's* parents have been separated since he was six months old. His life with his mother has been fairly unstable, and she has been through several volatile relationships. Hugh struggles significantly with academic performance and behavioural issues. Hugh would bite other children, throw tantrums, be disrespectful, tell lies, leave the school grounds, and struggle to maintain a reasonable academic standard. Hugh was passed from counselor to counselor by his mother, never staying with the same one for very long. But now Hugh lives with his father in a much more stable environment, and his behavioural problems have stopped. But much like Erin, Pheobe, and Jack, the lack of stability of the family unit and the constant change between parents has caused a fair amount of confusion and anxiety. Quite often, the only method a child has for communicating their feelings is through their behaviour. Now, this does not necessarily make this wrong, but developmentally at this stage they are unable to do otherwise."

*Names changed to retain anonymity

© Corallie Buchanan 2010. Sample taken from Forgotten Children: The real casualties of divorce.

Image: Tina Phillips / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Adult children: What really happens to children many years after divorce (sample from chapter two of "Forgotten Children: The real casualties of divorce")

Adult children

"We can't generate any good feelings on the inside because we don't even want to go there. We want to avoid being reminded of the pain and emptiness that we feel inside. We have to remain externally focused in order to avoid the inner pain. We need to stay in control, so we avoid those things that would threaten to take over our control; if we can feel pain, we know we are not in control. Those things that happened to us were completely out of our own control; it is a painful experience that was forced upon us without our consent, and so we avoid dealing with it. We will spend our whole life just trying to get over something that wasn't even our fault to begin with. So because we can't deal with what is on the inside, our only choice is to find comfort in the world outside of ourselves.

The desperate search for outward contentment is an echo of a deeper search for an inner resolution. Our inner issues are never resolved, so we never feel complete. We try to fix the problems we have on the inside by trying to make ourselves feel good on the outside. Drugs, alcohol, sexual addiction, relationships, gambling, helping others, even success, can become a cover up for a life that is empty inside. It is not just the 'bad stuff' that people use to cover up their pain. We focus our attention externally so that we never have to deal internally with the pain we have experienced. This is to our detriment. These things work for awhile, and just as you begin to feel like life is turning to normal, something happens. There comes a point where we have accumulated so much pain, that there are not enough 'comfort experiences' (sex, alcohol, drugs etc) to offset it anymore. The things which used to work instantaneously now barely work, and we find ourselves realising that we are running out of steam. We can only sustain this facade for so long until it gets the better of us. What happens then? We hit rock bottom..."

© Corallie Buchanan 2010. Sample taken from Forgotten Children: The real casualties of divorce.

Wow...incredibly overwhelmed. I seriously feel like I have embarked on a PHD!!!

In really beginning to put together the content for my next book, I have been overwhelmed by the amount of information and ideas that there are to encounter. This book is a HUGE project, and I mean HUGE! There are so many issues that need to be addressed, people's stories to tell, research that needs to be done...the task is overwhelming at times. So many people have been so excited about this book, before it has even really begun. I have lost count of the amount of people who have told me "It's about time somebody said something about this"...

I am now just beginning to realise just how much of a task it is, to tell people about the impacts of divorce on children. I have to bring together all the research there has been done on the topic, and believe me, there are hundreds. Not only that, sort through hundreds and hundreds of case studies, which can be quite depressing at times. I have to speak to people in my own acquaintance about their own stories, preparing them as additional case studies. Each participant has to be talked to in detail, and their stories recorded and summarised, while retaining high levels of anonymity. I have to look into the issues they face as adults and see in each case how that relates back to their problems as children. I also need to read through possibly hundreds of research studies on divorce (social research documents are not always easy to decipher, with statistics and charts, and lots of social science lingo...thank the Lord I have a social science degree). I have to brainstorm chapter ideas, making sure each chapter flows into the next with absolute clarity, so that nothing can take away from the message. Then, on top of all of this, I have to bring all of the myriads of information together into one document. Then comes the seemingly endless process of editing and rewriting the manuscript to prepare it for publication. Can anyone understand why I was feeling a little overwhelmed here?

But in the midst of that, I received a call from my mother. Isn't it great when mothers just seem to know at the right moment when their children just need that little bit of encouragement? She said that she was so excited about this new venture, and believed that it was going to be one of those eye opening, life changing books that  changes the whole community. "It's gonna be one of those books," she said. "I'm all for what you are doing, and stand behind you 100%." Just when I was feeling overwhelmed, God sent along my mum to encourage me.

This is no small task, but now I know why God needed me to work on this full time. So I had to sacrifice working in a full time paid career. So what? I feel like I have just taken on a PHD thesis to be honest. But there is already incredible interest in the book, that I know I am in the right place. God is in it, and I can't wait to see what He does with it.

P.S. This picture echoes just how I feel. Do you feel like that sometimes?

rrrrrr...writers block...anyone out there say amen?

Hey guys,

I'm having trouble writing the book, so I thought I'd ramble on here instead. It's been a real challenge writing this book, as well as an incredible blessing. It's funny how that kind of thing happens hey? It is amazing the amount of times I have heard somebody say to me, "You know, its about time somebody said something about this." I didn't realise how many people were thinking about this, and how popular the topic is. I was just minding my own business one night, trying to get off to sleep (as you do). I don't know why it is, but God seems to give me my best ideas at the really inopportune times for me. I have had ideas come to me in the shower, and covered with soap I rush to grab a pen and paper. Or at other times, I am just about asleep in bed when it feels like God hits me with a tonne of bricks and suddenly gives me this really awesome idea. Both my former book (Watch Out! Godly Women on the Loose") and my current manuscript were 'conceived' that way. So for the time being, my pda is always with me, and my awesome God can wake me up at any time of the night and get me to write....just means taking around an extra piece of bulky technology with me everywhere I go though. I mean, just yesterday my husband and I were hanging out with my dad, and suddenly an idea hit me and I had to excuse myself to write it down. That is the life of a writer...but if it works, it works you know?

Friday was an interesting day for me. I decided to take my pda instead of my whole computer...and will you guess it?? Shortly after beginning work, the file was corrupted and wouldn't let me open it again. Thankfully, I still had the original on my computer. So when I got home, I found the original file on the computer, and transferred it to my pda. But lo and behold, when I opened that file on my pda, it wouldn't work either. So both the pda file and the computer original refused to work. So I had to copy and paste the entire 7500 words into a new document and save it as a new file. After that fiasco, I took a break from writing for the weekend. Things like that can be incredibly frustrating, especially when you are in the middle of writer's block. What is worse, I had just begun to actually get some work done when the file died. Well, let me tell you....the devil will have to do more than that to keep me from writing this book.

I can write other things fine (as this post suggests), but when it comes to the manuscript...nada. Are there any other writers out there who can feel my pain? Especially those who do it for a living. What are your experiences of writers block?

A short preview

I decided to post one or two paragraphs of the current chapter, so that you may all get an idea for where the book is heading. Here you will get to see what this busy little beaver has been doing over the last few months. These excerpts are from the almost complete chapter one. All text is Copyrighted and may not be reproduced.

"Divorce can be a nasty thing, especially for a child. You see, a child often has no choice in the decisions their parents make on their behalf. Many children suffer in silence, because they believe there is nobody out there who really understands exactly how they feel. A child feels neglected, alone, and scared, all because their world is completely out of their own control. They are scared, and feel like they have nobody to talk to. After all, when their parents get a divorce, they have their own concerns to take care of right? Unfortunate as it is, some children seem to get lost and forgotten in the process. Nobody has ever asked them how they feel about divorce, and they feel like nobody cares or even notices. In the turmoil that is divorce, children can feel lost and confused as their parents desperately try to adjust to living life on their own. Parents have a lot to deal with when there has been a breakdown in the family. They are quite often swamped with court procedures, paperwork, custody battles, moving, life change adjustment, emotional issues, anger, frustration, and hurt; in the craziness, children can sometimes be forgotten. Whether or not it is intentional, children quite often bear the real brunt of divorce, for it is something that happens to them without their permission, and often without any explanation. They are just told,"Mummy and Daddy are getting a divorce." Some kids may be too young to even understand what this means. But before they know it, their whole life is turned upside down, and nothing will ever be the same. In this, children become innocent bystanders and casualties of war. It is these children that need our help."

"As a child, I struggled in school, both academically and socially. I felt like an outcast and found it difficult to make friends. I was incredibly shy and insecure, and had an extreme lack of confidence. Academically, I was doing quite poorly, and needed special assistance from the teachers. As I got older, I still found it a struggle to feel as if I 'fit in' socially, and always felt on the outer. There wasn't much change for me academically speaking either. When it was time to begin university, the only way I gained entry was through a program for disadvantaged students. Most of my insecurities and lack of confidence was due to the issues I suffered as a result of divorce. But through God's help, I was able to turn it around, and not only graduate, but go on to complete a Master's degree and also become a published author.

But not all people have endings like mine. Some people spend their whole lives feeling the same way as they have always done. Many people never get over divorce, and that is indeed a sad state of affairs. Divorce is hard on children, full stop, whether they show it or not. What is even harder is when they reach adulthood and are suffering all these problems, but can never find the root cause of them. When you don't know the root cause of an issue, how can you possibly hope to overcome it? It just isn't possible until you first address the real problem; it is this problem that we want to avoid, before it becomes a problem."

© Corallie Buchanan 2010

Official post for divorce questionnaire

Hi all,

Here is a repost of the divorce questionnaire, along with an explanation for those of you who missed my last post on the topic. For those who don't know, I am a full time writer (see my website and online portfolio), and author of "Watch Out! Godly Women on the Loose". I have recently begun to write a book on children and divorce. I have had a few people express interest, and just so you know who I am and what I do, I decided to update this post and provide a permanent link on my blog page.

The book talks about divorce, and its effects on children. I want to hear your stories of your experiences with divorce. What are some issues that you have had to deal with? What have you found hard as the result of divorce? I know there are a lot of people out there for whom divorce has effected them in all different ways. With your permission, I would possibly like to include these ideas in the book. Anonymity will be maintained, and any information will be brought together in general comments concerning different issues (ie what adults generally dealt with as a result of divorce in their childhood). No personal details of identity or location will be given. I know each person feels it differently, and I don't want the book to be just about the issues that I dealt with, but a general broad spectrum of people's experiences. Example: "Many people I spoke to said that they found ________ to be a really hard issue to deal with, and it seems to be quite common amongst those whose parents were divorced..."

If it helps to understand the perspective the book is taking, then here is a sample from the introduction:

"Let me make it clear to you now exactly what I am doing in this book, so that there can be no misunderstanding. Firstly, I will tell you what I am NOT doing. I am not speaking to you as a parent who has experienced divorce. I am not speaking to you as a parent attempting to give advice to another parent. I am not a parent from a divorced family, so I do not have the authority to give such advice. I am not telling you whether or not you should get a divorce, because it is not my place to make such a judgment; that is your decision alone. I am not speaking of how to work through blended families, because even though I spent most of my life in a blended family, I am not in a position of authority to be able to advise parents of how to create and maintain a blended family. I am not trying to provide you with a quick fix to your problems, or to tell you how to run your family. I am not telling you that your children will definitely experience serious issues because of a breakdown in the family. Not all children have problems as a result of divorce."

© Corallie Buchanan 2010

From this, it is clear that I am not offering criticism or condemnation of those who have been, or will be divorced. I come from a divorced family myself, and would never tear down anyone in that position. I am merely helping parents to understand things from the perspective of their children. If you feel your story might be of use in this endeavour, please feel free to email me @ corallie.buchanan@gmail.com with your stories and ideas.

Here are some questions to get you started:

How old were you when your parents were divorced?

If you can remember back to when your parents were divorced, how did it make you feel? What emotions did you experience and why?

Looking back, what were some of the hardest adjustments you had to make when your parents divorced?

How did it feel growing up without a father? When you hear the word, does it mean anything to you?

Did the other parent have an involvement in your life after the divorce, and if so, did this impact you positively or negatively? Do you think only having one parent was detrimental?

(for men specifically) As an adult male, how do you believe the lack of male role models has effected you now?

Do you remember the economic situation after your parents divorced? How did having less money make you feel?

Do you think your parents ability to cope with divorce impacted how you were brought up? If so, are these issues still impacting you today, and how?

Was there a lot of conflict in your family, and how did this make you feel?

Do you still have a sadness/regret about your parents divorce? If so, why? Are there still some painful memories associated with the divorce?

Do you think divorce has impacted your ability to understand the marriage relationship? If so, how?

Do you think the divorce has inhibited your ability to feel close to God? If yes, how?

Imagine yourself as a child again, and what you might have said to your parents then, knowing what you do now? What advice would you give other parents considering the same course?

Interview questions about divorce

Hi all,

Well, the first chapter is coming along nicely. I have almost 4000 words written. Firstly, I want to thank those of you who have already expressed an interest in working with me on this project. Your experiences will be an invaluable asset to those who will be reading it in the future. But for now, there's lots of work to be done. For those of you who showed an interest in contributing to the next book, I've put together some interview questions based on the introductory material in the first chapter. Let me remind you involvement is completely voluntary and confidential, and your identity will remain anonymous. No personal or specific details will be given, and any stories or quotes will not be used without your permission.

How old were you when your parents divorced?

How did you feel following your parent's divorce?

What do you wish somebody had done for you when your parents' divorce occurred?

Did the other parent have an involvement in your life after the divorce, and if so, did this impact you positively or negatively? Do you think only having one parent was detrimental?

Was there a lot of conflict in your family, and how did this make you feel?

Do you think your parents ability to cope with divorce impacted how you were brought up? If so, are these issues still impacting you today, and how?

Do you still have a sadness/regret about your parents divorce? If so, why? Are there still some painful memories associated with the divorce?

Do you think divorce has impacted your ability to understand the marriage relationship? If so, how?

Do you think the divorce has inhibited your ability to feel close to God? If yes, how?

Imagine yourself as a child again, and what you might have said to your parents then, knowing what you do now? What advice would you give other parents considering the same course?

Calling all who have a story to tell about divorce

Hi all,

I am working on a new book about children and divorce at the moment. I am in the process of research and brainstorming, and writing the first draft of the introduction and first chapter. However, during the brainstorming phase, I want to take in a whole heap of ideas. I want to hear your stories of your experiences with divorce. What are some issues that you have had to deal with? What have you found hard as the result of divorce? I know there are a lot of people out there for whom divorce has effected them in all different ways. With your permission, I would possibly like to include these ideas in the book. Anonymity will be maintained, and any information will be brought together in general comments concerning different issues (ie what adults generally dealt with as a result of divorce in their childhood). No personal details of identity or location will be given. I know each person feels it differently, and I don't want the book to be just about the issues that I dealt with, but a general broad spectrum of people's experiences. Example: "Many people I spoke to said that they found ________ to be a really hard issue to deal with, and it seems to be quite common amongst those whose parents were divorced..."

If it helps to understand the perspective the book is taking, then here is a sample from the introduction:

Let me make it clear to you now exactly what I am doing in this book, so that there can be no misunderstanding. Firstly, I will tell you what I am NOT doing. I am not speaking to you as a parent who has experienced divorce. I am not speaking to you as a parent attempting to give advice to another parent. I am not a parent from a divorced family, so I do not have the authority to give such advice. I am not telling you whether or not you should get a divorce, because it is not my place to make such a judgment; that is your decision alone. I am not speaking of how to work through blended families, because even though I spent most of my life in a blended family, I am not in a position of authority to be able to advise parents of how to create and maintain a blended family. I am not trying to provide you with a quick fix to your problems, or to tell you how to run your family. I am not telling you that your children will definitely experience serious issues because of a breakdown in the family. Not all children have problems as a result of divorce.

© Corallie Buchanan 2010

From this, it is clear that I am not offering criticism or condemnation of those who have been, or will be divorced. I come from a divorced family myself, and would never tear down anyone in that position. I am merely helping parents to understand things from the perspective of their children. If you feel your story might be of use in this endeavour, please feel free to email me @ corallie.buchanan@gmail.com with your stories and ideas.

Corallie

New book musings

(Photo: me editing my previous book)
This new book idea has me hooked!!

The idea surrounds the topic of divorce, and its effects on children. I want to look at it from a different perspective, one which has NEVER been done before; but you'll have to wait until the book comes out before you find out what that perspective is :-). The breakdown of marriage is one of the greatest tools the enemy uses against us. Good christian marriage is one of the core aspects that drives our society, and as you know, the value of marriage is becoming less and less; something that is quite possibly due to the rising divorce rate of the 90's. Divorce not only effects parents and their marriages, but all their future relationships, as well as their children. Few people ever truly get over the effects of divorce, and the impacts can last for a lifetime unless properly dealt with. Satan attacks marriage because he knows he is attacking the core of Christian society, and beginning a chain reaction effect that impacts many other areas of Christian lives, and the effectiveness of those lives in the kingdom of God.

But in this book, I don't want to focus on the effects upon the parents. Divorce impacts children in the short and long term, both of which will be discussed in the book. This is just an off the cuff idea God gave me the other week (in the early hours of the morning, and I think I scared my husband when I suddenly called out "yeah" and sat up in bed. It was an idea that suddenly hit me when I was dozing off).

I am very excited about this idea, and can't wait to see it come to fruition. It is totally a God-given idea, as the idea came to me IN TOTAL, at a time when I wasn't particularly thinking about anything, and was actually almost asleep. That state is where I was when God first told me to write. The book has no title, but a clear message.