Writing and some news: Why I haven't been writing lately

Hi guys,

I haven't really been writing much for the last few months. I've been really sick and in the hospital a few times in the last few weeks. We haven't really announced it on Facebook officially, but I thought I would share with my readers the reason why I have been so quiet on the writing front lately.

Here is the news: I am almost 11 weeks pregnant! I have had REALLY bad morning sickness which ended me up in the Emergency Room twice in the space of 3-4 days. I couldn't eat, and within 10 minutes whatever I tried to eat came up again, even water. The doctors tried every type of nausea medication available, even medication used in chemotherapy patients. Nothing worked. Ginger, fizzy drinks, dry crackers, you name it. Every morning sickness trick in the book failed us. That was until the doctors tried natural medication. Vitamin B6 tablets four times a day was the ONLY thing that made any difference. So for the last 4-5 weeks I have gone through absolute hell with nausea. Hence the absence from writing.

I have only been able to get through this with the generous support of friends' prayers and home cooked meals. I can now keep down most foods, except I am still unable to handle greasy and oily foods. Please keep myself and my husband in your prayers, as it has been quite a difficult time for both of us. Nausea is beginning to ease finally, but I still have a few bad days here and there.

Hopefully over the next few weeks I will be back in the saddle.

Coral

P.S. During the second hospital visit, we had a scan to check the health of the baby through all of the nausea, and bub is fine and growing well. It was too early to tell the sex of the baby, so we have to wait until our 18 week scan to find out.

ADDITIONAL NOTE: I have also found that cuppa soup really helps with the nausea while giving me food in my belly. Another natural cure for nausea. Hooray! I haven't actually found anything that works, until I discovered cuppa-soups today.... better late than never hey? And it has food content, and also water...the best of both worlds. Yipee!! I'm so excited to have finally found something that works. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

WORKSHOP NOTES from Word Writer's conference, Capalaba

 Hi guys,

Here are the notes from the workshop I did a few weeks ago. They are the notes I used myself. I didn't do a separate sheet for students. I figured you guys could use my notes instead. I haven't been too well lately, so I wasn't able to post these any sooner. Keep praying for me, I've had nausea like you would not believe.

Love Coral

Me delivering my workshop

WORKSHOP NOTES:

Supplies:

Paper (A4 lined)/butchers paper for me if there is no whiteboard available.

Pens/pencils

Whiteboard marker/whiteboard

Workshop outline

Today is going to be very practical. I don't just want to stand and talk at you for an hour and a half. I want to get you up and writing. After all, the only way to learn how to write is to actually start writing!

Section One: Introduction

• Tell my testimony

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So from that kind of background, you can understand that I did not believe myself to be capable of anything great, let alone writing a book.

• Background to writing:

• Call in my bedroom
• Told God He was crazy
• Went to shops, saw people's eyes, wrote about that
• Wrote sometimes one little paragraph, sent out to friends
• Eventually got the courage to try something bigger. Started writing articles, sending them off to basic magazines.
• First published in an online magazine for the Online Bible College
• Then I wrote for a ministry for college students, called Deeper Devotions
• Look up my maiden name “Corallie Thornton” on google, will come up with a whole list of things I wrote for different online places
• First print magazines were Being Women for QLD Baptist Women; Footprints, run by one of our speakers
• Then onto the main magazine for QLD Baptists, the QB
• Over time, compiled all my little paragraphs into a devotional book, which became my first ever book. Then a second book in the same style.
• My third attempt at a book was a small e-book called “Why Forgiveness?”, the theology behind forgiveness, not good enough to be published (although I did use a small section of it in “Godly Women”)
• Finally, I felt that I really needed to write something to help people get over their past, like God had helped me get over mine. I just started writing, without really knowing where I was going. I remember the occasion distinctly. It was Sunday after church, the sun streaming through my bedroom windows. I sat at my computer, and began to write a dramatised version of Moses and the Israelites at the Red Sea. It went on from there.
• Book finished about 4 years later (writing is not something that happens over night).
• College lecturers encouraged me to enter YACWA competition. I entered, flew down to Sydney, won.
• I was mentored in writing/editing/grammar, preparing my book for publishing.
• Ark House picked up the book, and the rest is history.

Section two: Starting small

• Use big old antique book. Writing a book can sometimes feel like this hey? (hold up book). Well, today, I want you to think of writing like this. (hold up really small book)
• Writing is not so daunting as you think it is. Everyone has a book to write. The key is to not let your past failings, fears, and inadequacies stop you from stepping out.

• People make plenty of excuses as to why they can't

Excuses:

• I can't write!

• I've had plenty of people telling me that they couldn't write. I was one of them! Don't you tell me that you can't write. I'm here to show you that you can!!
• Get rid of the words never and can't. They will stop you from doing it. These words stop right now. I don't ever want to hear them again :-)

So, now you're going to write for me.

EXERCISE: 

Free write

During this time, the student must write continually for one minute. Don't worry about trying to tell a story. Let's just get those brain waves happening. If student has nothing to write about, then write “I don't know what to write” over and over for the allotted time. No playing with the pencil allowed. 

That wasn't so hard was it? Anyone brave enough to share? Encouragement only

• It's too scary!

• stop allowing yourself to be intimidated!
• The more you think about writing a big book, the less likely you will be to actually do it.
• When God first told me to write a book, I told Him He was crazy.

Practical advice:

• Journalling is a great way to start.

- I first started by writing in my journal. Some of my best ideas have come to me while I was reading over something I had written in my journal, sometimes a couple of years before.

• Relate one memory. What is your earliest memory? It could be the first time you made mud pies. (Example: The first time I saw my grandparents...)
• Get a tape recorder speak it out. Then play it back and write down what you hear.

- I haven't needed to do this myself, but for those of you who are a little intimidated by sitting in front of a computer, this is a very practical way to get started. It works quite well if you often have great ideas, but the minute you sit in front of the computer you draw a blank.

EXERCISE:

Pass around story

Get into groups of 4 or 5. Have jar with starter ideas written on slips of paper. Each student needs paper and pencil. At my command, student begins to write about the chosen topic. After a minute, paper is passed onto the person on the left. Give students 30 seconds to read the paper, then 1 minute to write. Continue in this way until everybody has a chance to contribute. Then get each group to nominate the best story out of their group, and read out to the class.

Section three: I've written a book, what do I do now?

I don't need to cover this in detail, because the other workshops will do this for you. But just let me say that you don't need to be afraid of rejection. My manuscript was rejected a number of times before I even became YACW.

• For those wanting to be published:

The key is editing. If you are seriously wanting to be published, you need to have some understanding of basic grammar. Many publishing companies, especially the large ones, will not even look at a manuscript unless it has had a solid edit by a creditable editor. I know some of our presenters offer this service. Without an agent, many companies will not accept manuscripts from authors who have not been published before, also called unsolicited manuscripts.

Smaller companies like Wombat Books will accept unsolicited manuscripts. The wait for appraisal and viewing can take anywhere from 3-12 months, depending on the publishing schedule. Many publishers only publish about 2% of the manuscripts they receive per year, so don't expect the world straight away.

I will be bluntly honest with you that it is extremely difficult to get into publishing unless you first have some experience under your belt.

Start small by writing for friends and family, then maybe once you have more confidence, begin on small magazines like Footprints. I have worked with Janet from the very beginning of my writing ministry, and know her to be a kind and firm editor who is good at helping those just starting out.

• For those not necessarily looking to be published

If you just want to write for family and friends, you have it fairly easy in comparison. Getting to publishing standard is a lot of hard work.

Good places to start small:

Footprints Magazine for Christian Women - www.footprintsaustralia.com

Wombat Books - www.wombatbooks.com.au/

Heart Soul Mind Publishing - www.heartsoulmind.net

Other resources

Young Australian Christian Writer of the Year Competition: http://www.spcka.org.au/YACWA.pdf

My Website: coralliebuchanan.tk

My very first book: “Why Forgiveness”, available on the free resources page.

Christian Woman/Joy Magazine - www.christianwoman.com.au

 

Housewives unite!!!

Hey all, I thought I would just jump on here and support all those ladies who have chosen the most honourable 'career' of them all...I'm talking about the housewife.


You know, many people look upon us as less than important. But hey, I've realised that being a housewife is just as important, if not more so. 


Who else gets to do such intensive full time ministry? Our husbands need us.Anyone who has been married more than a  minute knows this. Husbands need their wives, and wives need their husbands. We can't work without each other.


But what a ministry we can have to our husbands. We can give them a loving and comfortable home to come back to after a long days work. We can listen to their problems, pray for them and be with them. 


Their curse is hard. In the Garden of Eden, after Adam and Eve sinned, God cursed the ground so that it would now be hard work for them to even survive.

“ Cursed is the ground for your sake;
      In toil you shall eat of it
      All the days of your life.

 ¹⁸ Both thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you,
      And you shall eat the herb of the field.

 ¹⁹ In the sweat of your face you shall eat bread
      Till you return to the ground,
      For out of it you were taken;
      For dust you are,
      And to dust you shall return.” (Genesis 3:17b-19)

What our men do is hard, and what better way to welcome them back home than with a class of cold water, something to eat, and a hug?


People complain about wanting to be in full time ministry, without realising that the opportunities are right there before them.


If you are a housewife, can I encourage you to look for opportunities to be a minister to your own husband. Don't look down on your position. I have been criticised myself for wanting to stay home to write and take care of my husband, especially for someone my age! But the more I look at it, the more I realise what a privileged position it is.


Don't forget how important you are to your husband and family. You may not feel like it, but you are. And you know what? You are even more important to God. He sees your faithfulness, and wants to reward you. He loves you for what you are doing, and don't let anybody tell you any different!

Breaking the cycle of negativity in your life

Lately I have been asking God for something that has been on my heart for a long time. I have struggled for a long time to be happy for other people who have this particular blessing that I have been asking God for. But recently, God challenged me to begin to believe good things for myself as well.


I am a recovering negativity addict. I will admit it. I struggle often with negative thought patterns. They have been trained into me from birth as a product of my circumstances.


You know, those of us who have had hard backgrounds are not used to expecting good things to happen to us. So when there is something that we really truly desire with all our hearts, something that we are asking God to do for us, why is it that we automatically expect the worst? Why should I have an inferior mentality? God is still paying me back for the years the locust has eaten, so why should He stop now? Joel 2:24-26 says,


²⁴ The threshing floors shall be full of wheat,
      And the vats shall overflow with new wine and oil.
       ²⁵ “ So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten,
      The crawling locust,
      The consuming locust,
      And the chewing locust,
      My great army which I sent among you.
       ²⁶ You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied,
      And praise the name of the LORD your God,
      Who has dealt wondrously with you;
      And My people shall never be put to shame. 


God is still fulfilling this promise to me, so why would this stop now? I'm believing for good things for me. 


But to break the cycle of negativity is extremely difficult. Its like overcoming an addiction to drugs or alcohol. Negativity is a learned pattern of behaviour, just like drug or alcohol addictions, and they need to be overcome in the same way. That is persistence.


Do we believe that we don't deserve the best? I am reminded of Mephibosheth, son of Jonathan, grandson of King Saul. David had made a covenant with Jonathan many years prior. When his father Jonathan was killed, Mephibosheth's nurse took him and ran for their lives. In the haste, she dropped him and he became a cripple. This was when he was five years old. For the rest of his life, he lived on the edges of society (even though he was by birth a royal son).


When David finally consolidated his kingdom, he looked for someone who might be remaining in Saul's household to whom he could show kindness and honour his covenant with Jonathan. The story goes as follows:

David’s Kindness to Mephibosheth

9     Now David said, “Is there still anyone who is left of the house of Saul, that I may show him kindness for Jonathan’s sake?”

^2 And there was a servant of the house of Saul whose name was Ziba. So when they had called him to David, the king said to him, “Are you Ziba?”

He said, “At your service!”

^3 Then the king said, “Is there not still someone of the house of Saul, to whom I may show the kindness of God?”

And Ziba said to the king, “There is still a son of Jonathan who is lame in his feet.”

^4 So the king said to him, “Where is he?”

And Ziba said to the king, “Indeed he is in the house of Machir the son of Ammiel, in Lo Debar.”

^5 Then King David sent and brought him out of the house of Machir the son of Ammiel, from Lo Debar.

^6 Now when Mephibosheth the son of Jonathan, the son of Saul, had come to David, he fell on his face and prostrated himself. Then David said, “Mephibosheth?”

And he answered, “Here is your servant!”

^7 So David said to him, “Do not fear, for I will surely show you kindness for Jonathan your father’s sake, and will restore to you all the land of Saul your grandfather; and you shall eat bread at my table continually.”

^8 Then he bowed himself, and said, “What is your servant, that you should look upon such a dead dog as I?”

^9 And the king called to Ziba, Saul’s servant, and said to him, “I have given to your master’s son all that belonged to Saul and to all his house. ^10 You therefore, and your sons and your servants, shall work the land for him, and you shall bring in the harvest, that your master’s son may have food to eat. But Mephibosheth your master’s son shall eat bread at my table always.” Now Ziba had fifteen sons and twenty servants.

^11 Then Ziba said to the king, “According to all that my lord the king has commanded his servant, so will your servant do.”

“As for Mephibosheth,” said the king, “he shall eat at my table like one of the king’s sons.” ^12 Mephibosheth had a young son whose name was Micha. And all who dwelt in the house of Ziba were servants of Mephibosheth. ^13 So Mephibosheth dwelt in Jerusalem, for he ate continually at the king’s table. And he was lame in both his feet.

The New King James Version. 1982 (2 Sa 9:1-13).

Now I could imagine someone like this having an inferiority complex. Some of us do also. I was challenged both yesterday and even more so this morning that just because I had a bad life growing up, this doesn't mean I should always expect bad things to happen to me. I should be expecting good things to happen to me.


Mephibosheth's story is similar to all of our stories. We grow up with bad things, so we expect bad things. We (including me, definitely) often struggle to believe that God has good things for us because we may feel that we don't deserve anything good.


You know what I said this morning to God? Why not? Why not me? 


When those thoughts of "This good thing I'm wanting to happen in my life is not going to happen", my answer is why not?


Why can't good things happen to me to? Why not now? Why think that I am automatically just going to be one of those people who has everything go wrong for them. Why can't I expect something to go right?


Its okay to believe that God has good for you. Its not a sin to believe the best. I have found that I have made myself miserable by believing the worst. So why not get happy and just believe that maybe, just maybe, that good thing I have been waiting for could be right on my very doorstep.


Why not?

New look website: Please update your bookmarks

Hey all!

Just to let you know, I've updated the look of the website and given it some new content. You can now get to know me by reading my testimony in the 'about me' section, along with seeing some childhood photos. I have also given the new look a new web address. The website is now located at www.coralliebuchanan.tk. Happy browsing!

P.S. You will probably notice the change in my blog style too. I wanted to reflect a more peaceful atmosphere, to remind us to all keep a little peace and quiet in our lives.

Sitting under the proverbial table trying to escape from my computer

Here I am again, sitting under my proverbial table, hiding from my computer. I just got an edit back on chapter one, and realising how much work there is to be done, felt like quitting.

How often we give up so easily when hard times come. I think I need to preach to myself today. Corallie, DON'T GIVE UP YET!!


There.

Do I feel better?

A little.

But there's still so much work to be done! I don't want to edit today God. I don't feel like working. I know you want me to get this book written, but I feel so inadequate for the task. I can't do it!


I'm tired God. 


If it ever gets finished, I'll know it was You. I'll know this because I wanted to give up, and You wouldn't let me.


God, help me to get this work done. Help me to honour You by obeying You. Give me the strength to complete this task. I can't do it alone. I need Your help. I need your strength and peace. I need your encouragement. I need your wisdom.


I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. - Philippians 4:13


Okay God, I can do this. If you told me to write this book, then it will be done because it is in Your will. Your Word says that things will be done on earth as they are in heaven (Matt 6:10; 16:9). Well, in heaven, this book has already been written. All I need to do is ask You what it is, and then write it. Please help me.


Am I still sitting under my table? Well, no. I know there is work that needs to be done. So I'm getting out from under my proverbial table.

But for the time being, I might take a 'chillax' break. I need it :-) Writing a book is really hard work!

Nice stormy weather

Here are some pictures of some of the weather we have been enjoying lately. There has been quite a bit of rain. I thought I would just stop for a moment and share with you some of the things we have seen lately.

What to do when bad gets to worse

I will admit I did not start off this morning in a very good frame of mind. 


Well, I lie. 


I was okay, that is, until I put my feet on the floor. That is when everything began to go wrong. 


What do you do when you wake up to bad news? I didn't handle it the way a Christian should handle it. To be honest, I wasn't very Christ-like this morning.


I have been praying for a breakthrough in our finances, and this morning I received some not so good news regarding another area of our finances. This sent me into a minor 30 minute tailspin where I was tearing down the company that caused this new problem. After 30 minutes, I realised that the devil was just using this to steal my peace, and that if I didn't get a handle on it, there would be no writing done today.


So I sat down and got quiet before God. Now 8 months ago, something like this would have had me upset all day. But I was encouraged to see that after half an hour of fleshly 'arrrggghhh', I was able to calm down and be back to my normal self. God is growing me through this ordeal, and I am better able to handle bad news.


What do you do when the very thing you are praying and asking God for only gets worse? What do you do when you are doing everything you know, and still nothing changes? What do you do when the very reason your world is falling apart is because you are serving God? What do you do when you continually sacrifice your own comfort to help others, and nothing changes in your circumstances? 


You keep walking. Keep doing what you know God has told you to do, even if your circumstances don't look like they're going to change.


One thing God said to me recently has really stuck with me. When I asked God about what I should do, He told me something that has really stuck with me. I was whining that we don't have any money, and asking if I should go out and find paid work. He said to me, "Corallie, are you doing what you truly believe I have asked you to do?" I said, "Yes." "Well then," He said, "That's all you really need to be doing. I'm not worried about what you're doing, but why you're doing it. If you truly believe this is what you're meant to be doing, then that's all that matters. You could go out and find work if you felt that was what I was asking you to do, and I would look on it just the same as if you were writing full time." To God, the motive why I'm doing something is more important than what I am actually doing. If I'm writing to please Him or working in full time paid work to please Him, it doesn't matter. If I'm trying to please Him, that's all that matters.


I'm not always good at this, as I saw when I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. But I am reminded of the verse that says,


²⁶ “If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and his own life also, he cannot be My disciple. ²⁷ And whoever does not bear his cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple. ²⁸ For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it— ²⁹ lest, after he has laid the foundation, and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, ³⁰ saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish’? ³¹ Or what king, going to make war against another king, does not sit down first and consider whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? ³² Or else, while the other is still a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks conditions of peace. ³³ So likewise, whoever of you does not forsake all that he has cannot be My disciple. (Luke 14:26-33)


Giving up things does not always mean that everything is going to turn out "hunky-dory". You know, I wish I had the same freedom of money that some other people have. But I don't. The trick is being satisfied with what you have. And when everything goes belly up like it did for me this morning, the hardest thing is to keep your peace. Yet it is the most important thing to do. Boy, did I have to fight this morning. But it was worth it, because now I am at peace and able to face a day of work.

The real truth of divorce [Sample from Forgotten Children: The real casualties of divorce]

"There is a truth about divorce that nobody will tell you. Sure, they will tell you that your child might be effected, but they won't say how bad or for how long. The real lie is that your children will somehow magically just get over it. The truth is that your children will probably never really get over it. There will always be some sort of leftover residue, whether it shows up in their attitudes, current or future relationships, or even their understanding of what life is about. Divorce effects your child's self-confidence, feeling of security, and zest for life. If effects them both emotionally and developmentally in ways that you might not be able to see right now. The problem occurs when you convince yourself that there are no problems because you see no evidence. Little do you know what your child could be dealing with just under the surface; something they do not have the words to explain yet. You just wait and see before making a snap judgment that says your child has not been impacted. Children always are."

© Corallie Buchanan 2010. Sample taken from Forgotten Children: The real casualties of divorce.

Note: This was just written today and hasn't been edited yet. Anything good in it is from God...not me :-)

Just wondering...does anybody read these?

Just seeing if anybody reads these posts.

Forgotten Children: 'Captivated' Article Series, #1

Divorce. Its a word we hear spoken quite regularly. But we don't just hear it out in the general society. Unfortunately, when it is spoken of in church, it is often not from the pulpit, but people themselves experiencing it. We hear plenty about it, but why does nobody ever tell the other side of the story? Why does nobody speak of those who remain the silent casualties of war? Why doesn't anybody speak about the children?

Hi, my name is Corallie Buchanan, and I know all too well the pain that divorce brings to children. I grew up not knowing what a father was, nor what a 'normal' family should be. My earliest memories are filled with pain, and I never remember a time in my childhood where there was peace. As if living with this pain wasn't bad enough, I grew up with a severely disabled sibling which made life even harder. From a very early age, I was bitter, hard hearted, and resentful. I was a very angry child. I struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts, self-hatred, negativity, and feelings of absolute helplessness...and all before the age of 10 years old. I was a complete and utter emotional wreck, and I didn’t know how to get out. I wanted to die. Let me tell you, I had a LOT of emotional problems. I have experienced parental divorce more than once, and I spent much of my later life just trying to get over it. But I also found the grace of God at the age of 16, and my life has never been the same since. My testimony is that I am still here!

The hard part for me was not having anybody to help me. Nobody understood what was going on inside my head. My mother tried counselor after counselor, and nothing seemed to work. It wasn't until I got in my room alone with my bible and God that anything began to change. Since then, God has done miraculous things in my life, including a writing award, at least one published book, another one on the way, and countless other opportunities to speak into people's lives. Any opportunity God gives me to speak to people and help them get out of their messes, I consider an honour. But lately, God has been opening up a few new areas to me. I now feel a strong call to empower adults to help their own children, by helping them get into their child's mind and understand how they feel. If people understood what was going on inside, they would be better equipped to help our hurting children.

Children will react to divorce in different ways from their parents, and so many parents struggle to understand just how their child is feeling. Quite often in the turmoil and stress that comes with divorce, children are forgotten. Believe me, they feel it. But you can make a difference in your child's life, by God's help. Your child does not have to become a statistic.

This series of articles over the next few issues of Captivated is designed to help you get into the mind of your child, and understand divorce from their perspective. In this study, we will tackle both the short and long term effects of divorce on your child, and practical ways on how you can help them through it. Kelly and Emery (2003) identify six main areas of immediate, short-term impact which include: parental loss, economic loss, more life stress. These will be discussed in more detail as the series goes on. We will also speak of learning to hold your tongue (James 3), certain behavioural problems that may lead you to believe that your child is experiencing issues, and even begin to delve into what issues your children might be expecting to face in the long term future, especially in marriage relationships. Not much is written on the effects of parental divorce on the future marriage relationship, and is an area that sorely needs attention.

While divorce is not the ideal solution, the effects on your children can be overcome with a lot of prayer, gentle guidance, and work. While you may not be able to do everything yourself (after all, nobody is superman), you can look to those around you for help. If you don't have anyone, then start looking in churches, children's sporting clubs (you never know, there may be single parents doing the same thing as you). I am looking forward to taking on this journey with you over the next few months.

Article written for Captivated magazine

© Corallie Buchanan 2010.

Case studies: An inside look into how younger children process anxiety [Sample from Forgotten Children: The real casualties of divorce]

"The idea that children adapt quickly and readily to divorce, and suffer no lingering issues or negative consequences is inconsistent with the multitude of research that has been carried out in this area....

Observation of children at different ages produces different results. Preschool aged children lack the cognitive ability to understand the meaning of divorce, and face a fair amount of confusion. Four year-old Erin's* parents have been separated since she was 18 months old. Her parents share custody, with each having her alternate weeks on a “week on-week off” basis. Recently, Erin has started exhibiting alarming behaviour such as incredible outbursts of unreasonable anger, issues with authority, difficulty paying attention and accepting the word 'no', and a terrible regression in potty training. While many toddlers experience some of these symptoms, Erin's difficulties are seen to be abnormally larger than that of children her age. Her teachers are concerned that Erin may be showing early signs of childhood stress resulting from the divorce. This has made it difficult for the parents, who have been told to take Erin to a therapist. But Erin's parents are not alone. Two year old Phoebe* reacted in a similar fashion, waking up in the middle of the night screaming, extremely confused and quite frightened. It is probable that the constant change of location for both Erin and Phoebe led to a heightened degree of confusion, which would explain their unusual behaviour.

Divorce at this age can be very difficult for children, as they are only just becoming aware of themselves and the world around them. As a result, they see everything through black and white glasses, and their ability to reason and understand the more complicated issues of life is extremely limited. Their reliance on stability and routine is essential. When three year-old Jack's* parents divorced, Jack remained in the family home with his father while the mother went to live with a relative. Now that Jack is beginning to become aware of the world around him, the change between his family home and going to visit his mother has become a very distressing event for him. Jack continually cries when he knows he is to visit his mother, and spends the whole time being mean to both his mother and the other members of that household. He tells his mother he doesn't love her and will not go with her. Now for a kid who has a limited/simplistic ability to understand his circumstances, it would be safe to assume that this kid is not acting out of a genuine hate for his mother. In such cases as these, it appears to stem from the anxiety and confusion caused by the divorce, and the change in circumstances. His family home was always the place of stability where he had access to both of his parents. Now that one parent is missing, it is difficult for his undeveloped brain to understand the change in living arrangements. By taking Jack away from his family home on custody visits, Jack – in his limited understanding – sees this as taking him away from everything that is familiar. Naturally, this results in the anxiety we see displayed here.

...Nine year old Hugh's* parents have been separated since he was six months old. His life with his mother has been fairly unstable, and she has been through several volatile relationships. Hugh struggles significantly with academic performance and behavioural issues. Hugh would bite other children, throw tantrums, be disrespectful, tell lies, leave the school grounds, and struggle to maintain a reasonable academic standard. Hugh was passed from counselor to counselor by his mother, never staying with the same one for very long. But now Hugh lives with his father in a much more stable environment, and his behavioural problems have stopped. But much like Erin, Pheobe, and Jack, the lack of stability of the family unit and the constant change between parents has caused a fair amount of confusion and anxiety. Quite often, the only method a child has for communicating their feelings is through their behaviour. Now, this does not necessarily make this wrong, but developmentally at this stage they are unable to do otherwise."

*Names changed to retain anonymity

© Corallie Buchanan 2010. Sample taken from Forgotten Children: The real casualties of divorce.

Image: Tina Phillips / FreeDigitalPhotos.net