Just wondering...does anybody read these?

Just seeing if anybody reads these posts.

Forgotten Children: 'Captivated' Article Series, #1

Divorce. Its a word we hear spoken quite regularly. But we don't just hear it out in the general society. Unfortunately, when it is spoken of in church, it is often not from the pulpit, but people themselves experiencing it. We hear plenty about it, but why does nobody ever tell the other side of the story? Why does nobody speak of those who remain the silent casualties of war? Why doesn't anybody speak about the children?

Hi, my name is Corallie Buchanan, and I know all too well the pain that divorce brings to children. I grew up not knowing what a father was, nor what a 'normal' family should be. My earliest memories are filled with pain, and I never remember a time in my childhood where there was peace. As if living with this pain wasn't bad enough, I grew up with a severely disabled sibling which made life even harder. From a very early age, I was bitter, hard hearted, and resentful. I was a very angry child. I struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts, self-hatred, negativity, and feelings of absolute helplessness...and all before the age of 10 years old. I was a complete and utter emotional wreck, and I didn’t know how to get out. I wanted to die. Let me tell you, I had a LOT of emotional problems. I have experienced parental divorce more than once, and I spent much of my later life just trying to get over it. But I also found the grace of God at the age of 16, and my life has never been the same since. My testimony is that I am still here!

The hard part for me was not having anybody to help me. Nobody understood what was going on inside my head. My mother tried counselor after counselor, and nothing seemed to work. It wasn't until I got in my room alone with my bible and God that anything began to change. Since then, God has done miraculous things in my life, including a writing award, at least one published book, another one on the way, and countless other opportunities to speak into people's lives. Any opportunity God gives me to speak to people and help them get out of their messes, I consider an honour. But lately, God has been opening up a few new areas to me. I now feel a strong call to empower adults to help their own children, by helping them get into their child's mind and understand how they feel. If people understood what was going on inside, they would be better equipped to help our hurting children.

Children will react to divorce in different ways from their parents, and so many parents struggle to understand just how their child is feeling. Quite often in the turmoil and stress that comes with divorce, children are forgotten. Believe me, they feel it. But you can make a difference in your child's life, by God's help. Your child does not have to become a statistic.

This series of articles over the next few issues of Captivated is designed to help you get into the mind of your child, and understand divorce from their perspective. In this study, we will tackle both the short and long term effects of divorce on your child, and practical ways on how you can help them through it. Kelly and Emery (2003) identify six main areas of immediate, short-term impact which include: parental loss, economic loss, more life stress. These will be discussed in more detail as the series goes on. We will also speak of learning to hold your tongue (James 3), certain behavioural problems that may lead you to believe that your child is experiencing issues, and even begin to delve into what issues your children might be expecting to face in the long term future, especially in marriage relationships. Not much is written on the effects of parental divorce on the future marriage relationship, and is an area that sorely needs attention.

While divorce is not the ideal solution, the effects on your children can be overcome with a lot of prayer, gentle guidance, and work. While you may not be able to do everything yourself (after all, nobody is superman), you can look to those around you for help. If you don't have anyone, then start looking in churches, children's sporting clubs (you never know, there may be single parents doing the same thing as you). I am looking forward to taking on this journey with you over the next few months.

Article written for Captivated magazine

© Corallie Buchanan 2010.

Case studies: An inside look into how younger children process anxiety [Sample from Forgotten Children: The real casualties of divorce]

"The idea that children adapt quickly and readily to divorce, and suffer no lingering issues or negative consequences is inconsistent with the multitude of research that has been carried out in this area....

Observation of children at different ages produces different results. Preschool aged children lack the cognitive ability to understand the meaning of divorce, and face a fair amount of confusion. Four year-old Erin's* parents have been separated since she was 18 months old. Her parents share custody, with each having her alternate weeks on a “week on-week off” basis. Recently, Erin has started exhibiting alarming behaviour such as incredible outbursts of unreasonable anger, issues with authority, difficulty paying attention and accepting the word 'no', and a terrible regression in potty training. While many toddlers experience some of these symptoms, Erin's difficulties are seen to be abnormally larger than that of children her age. Her teachers are concerned that Erin may be showing early signs of childhood stress resulting from the divorce. This has made it difficult for the parents, who have been told to take Erin to a therapist. But Erin's parents are not alone. Two year old Phoebe* reacted in a similar fashion, waking up in the middle of the night screaming, extremely confused and quite frightened. It is probable that the constant change of location for both Erin and Phoebe led to a heightened degree of confusion, which would explain their unusual behaviour.

Divorce at this age can be very difficult for children, as they are only just becoming aware of themselves and the world around them. As a result, they see everything through black and white glasses, and their ability to reason and understand the more complicated issues of life is extremely limited. Their reliance on stability and routine is essential. When three year-old Jack's* parents divorced, Jack remained in the family home with his father while the mother went to live with a relative. Now that Jack is beginning to become aware of the world around him, the change between his family home and going to visit his mother has become a very distressing event for him. Jack continually cries when he knows he is to visit his mother, and spends the whole time being mean to both his mother and the other members of that household. He tells his mother he doesn't love her and will not go with her. Now for a kid who has a limited/simplistic ability to understand his circumstances, it would be safe to assume that this kid is not acting out of a genuine hate for his mother. In such cases as these, it appears to stem from the anxiety and confusion caused by the divorce, and the change in circumstances. His family home was always the place of stability where he had access to both of his parents. Now that one parent is missing, it is difficult for his undeveloped brain to understand the change in living arrangements. By taking Jack away from his family home on custody visits, Jack – in his limited understanding – sees this as taking him away from everything that is familiar. Naturally, this results in the anxiety we see displayed here.

...Nine year old Hugh's* parents have been separated since he was six months old. His life with his mother has been fairly unstable, and she has been through several volatile relationships. Hugh struggles significantly with academic performance and behavioural issues. Hugh would bite other children, throw tantrums, be disrespectful, tell lies, leave the school grounds, and struggle to maintain a reasonable academic standard. Hugh was passed from counselor to counselor by his mother, never staying with the same one for very long. But now Hugh lives with his father in a much more stable environment, and his behavioural problems have stopped. But much like Erin, Pheobe, and Jack, the lack of stability of the family unit and the constant change between parents has caused a fair amount of confusion and anxiety. Quite often, the only method a child has for communicating their feelings is through their behaviour. Now, this does not necessarily make this wrong, but developmentally at this stage they are unable to do otherwise."

*Names changed to retain anonymity

© Corallie Buchanan 2010. Sample taken from Forgotten Children: The real casualties of divorce.

Image: Tina Phillips / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Adult children: What really happens to children many years after divorce (sample from chapter two of "Forgotten Children: The real casualties of divorce")

Adult children

"We can't generate any good feelings on the inside because we don't even want to go there. We want to avoid being reminded of the pain and emptiness that we feel inside. We have to remain externally focused in order to avoid the inner pain. We need to stay in control, so we avoid those things that would threaten to take over our control; if we can feel pain, we know we are not in control. Those things that happened to us were completely out of our own control; it is a painful experience that was forced upon us without our consent, and so we avoid dealing with it. We will spend our whole life just trying to get over something that wasn't even our fault to begin with. So because we can't deal with what is on the inside, our only choice is to find comfort in the world outside of ourselves.

The desperate search for outward contentment is an echo of a deeper search for an inner resolution. Our inner issues are never resolved, so we never feel complete. We try to fix the problems we have on the inside by trying to make ourselves feel good on the outside. Drugs, alcohol, sexual addiction, relationships, gambling, helping others, even success, can become a cover up for a life that is empty inside. It is not just the 'bad stuff' that people use to cover up their pain. We focus our attention externally so that we never have to deal internally with the pain we have experienced. This is to our detriment. These things work for awhile, and just as you begin to feel like life is turning to normal, something happens. There comes a point where we have accumulated so much pain, that there are not enough 'comfort experiences' (sex, alcohol, drugs etc) to offset it anymore. The things which used to work instantaneously now barely work, and we find ourselves realising that we are running out of steam. We can only sustain this facade for so long until it gets the better of us. What happens then? We hit rock bottom..."

© Corallie Buchanan 2010. Sample taken from Forgotten Children: The real casualties of divorce.

Encouragement of others: My husband and his family are such an amazing blessing to me

Hi all, 


I just wanted to take the opportunity to acknowledge my husband and his family before everybody. Dave doesn't know I'm doing this, neither do the rest of his family. But I wanted to praise God for bringing Dave to me, and for allowing me to be a part of his family. I believe us ladies complain and grumble about our husbands far too much, rather than focusing on the goodness that exists in our husbands. We may even criticise them to the point that we can see no good in them at all anymore.

L-R: Grandma, Louisa holding Samuel, Steve holding Micah,
Richard (Dad), Linda (Mum), Dave, myself, Jasmine, Grant, Jen

Firstly, he has a wonderful family (hi Mum and Dad, Jazzy, Louisa and Grant). For someone like myself who did not have a strong family growing up, I see the blessings that the Buchanan parents have been to their children in providing a stable and loving home for their children. While it was not always easy (and whose life really is easy?), they did their best to provide a strong Christian foundation for their family. Not having this myself, I treasure it when I see it in other people, and count it an honour to be a part of this wonderful family. I love my in-laws as if they were my own family. It hasn't always been smooth sailing, but I love them now so very dearly. 

L-R: Steve holding Samuel (3 days old),
Louisa holding Micah

Steve and Weezy (Louisa), you guys are like the older brother and sister that I never had, and I love visiting your place and being one of the family. You make me feel very welcome and extremely loved, and I love being an Aunty to your two boys.

Grant and Jen

Grant and Jen, its nice to have you as brother and sister, and good friends. I love hanging out with you guys and enjoying your company. Its nice to have friends my age who are at the same stage in life, and are easy to talk to. Love you guys so much!!

Jazzy and Callum

Jazzy (Jasmine) and Callum, I love you guys heaps. I love your zest for life and passion for God...and I love Jazzy's hugs! You give the best hugs ever Jazzy! You're such an awesome little sister, and its been great getting to know you and Callum.

Mum and Dad Buchanan

Thanks Mum and Dad Buchanan for raising such wonderful kids. You guys are a true example to me of marriage at its best, and even though I know it hasn't always been easy sailing for you in your relationship, you kept at it and didn't give up on it. You are an inspiration to me, in how you relate to each other and to God. Thankyou for loving me, even if I didn't always like what you had to say... :-) Love you guys so much like my own parents. 

L-R: Dave, Great Grandma Rita, myself

Also musn't forget Grandma and Great Grandma, you guys are beautiful..Grandma, you make me feel like your own grandaughter, and thanks for your wonderful hospitality whenever Dave and I come to Bundy. Love you and Great Grandma heaps :-)

The grandkids with Grandma and Grandpa (Grandpa has now
gone to be with Jesus)

L-R: Myself, Dave, Mum, Dad, Grant, Jen

The Buchanan girls

Now to my husband. He is a very strong Christian man (much like his father), who has a passion for God and a compassion for people. He knows how to show unconditional love, and helps me understand God in a way that nobody has ever been able to do. He shows me what God is like by treating me the way God would treat me. No, he's not perfect...nobody is. But Dave is in with God, and I know that Dave follows God first before everything else. So having that knowledge enables me to submit to Dave (not always willingly, but I'm getting better) without fear.


Have you heard of those households where the woman is the one who is really in charge, and the woman is always right? Not so in our household... Dave is definitely in charge in our house. He is extremely strong willed and a good leader. Once he's made up his mind, there's no changing it unless GOD tells him to do it differently. While its difficult sometimes, ultimately I know that God is in control because Dave submits to God's will, and if Dave is firm in something, he's got a reason for it most of the time. (everyone has faults, so he's not always right...but who is?) Overall, Dave is a strong leader. So when I hear things like this where men say that women really lead the household and that the wife is always right, it seems really weird to me. It's totally not that way in our household.

I totally love my husband and my new family, because they give me the opportunity of being part of a strong Christian family who love each other and are there for each other no matter what happens. They stick together and help each other out wherever possible, supporting each other through all the hard things of life. I love my family, and just wanted to acknowledge them before everybody else.. YOU GUYS ARE SO AWESOME, and I LOVE doing life 
with you :-)


Love always,
Coral

Family dinner at Sizzlers

Totally didn't plan to climb a mountain: Lessons God taught me through my husband

Recently, while out with my husband on a Saturday, he saw a mountain and decided we should climb it. But I learned a few things from it.

Needless to say, I didn't have the proper shoes that day, simply some comfortable little white slip on shoes...not appropriate for mountain climbing. What really got me was the huge, steep, and looooong rock scramble I had to manouver, all while being unfit and in the wrong shoes.

I was almost tempted to take my shoes off, but then saw the sharp rocks and thought the better of it.

My husband kept gently encouraging me all the way up the mountain. Everytime I wanted to go back, he would gently tell me it was okay, and that I could do it. I could make it up the mountain, and he even pushed me from behind a few times. And it reminded me of how God often gently encourages us to keep going, and won't let us give up. And when we can't make it by ourselves (which is pretty much 100% of the time), he gives us a gentle push from behind to help us get moving.

Remember the awesomeness of creation, in both the big and the small. I was reminded of the beauty of God's creation, not only the large expanse of it, but the small and seemingly insignificant things like these ants here. God is the God of the big, but also of the small. Without God, not even these ants would be able to survive. If you think you are too small to serve God, its okay. Even these ants are serving God by just being who they are.

Always remember to have a laugh at life. I am always being reminded that I need to take things less seriously, and just have some fun.

Always remember to take time out just to be with God. You will not be able to function as a victorious Christian if you don't. How can you remain peaceful and joyful when everything and everyone else around you is falling apart? Have your grounding in God. 

Keep your peace. Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to be at peace when your world is in turmoil...I have still yet to learn this well, but I'm getting better. (It helps when you have a good husband who knows how to be peaceful) Realise that no matter what happens, God has everything in control. Remember the ants? They couldn't even live without God's help.


Just by climbing a mountain, God taught me heaps of things. Look for God in the ordinary everyday life events. You don't have to go to a conference or read a famous book to hear from God. God can teach you anywhere, any time. 

Wow...incredibly overwhelmed. I seriously feel like I have embarked on a PHD!!!

In really beginning to put together the content for my next book, I have been overwhelmed by the amount of information and ideas that there are to encounter. This book is a HUGE project, and I mean HUGE! There are so many issues that need to be addressed, people's stories to tell, research that needs to be done...the task is overwhelming at times. So many people have been so excited about this book, before it has even really begun. I have lost count of the amount of people who have told me "It's about time somebody said something about this"...

I am now just beginning to realise just how much of a task it is, to tell people about the impacts of divorce on children. I have to bring together all the research there has been done on the topic, and believe me, there are hundreds. Not only that, sort through hundreds and hundreds of case studies, which can be quite depressing at times. I have to speak to people in my own acquaintance about their own stories, preparing them as additional case studies. Each participant has to be talked to in detail, and their stories recorded and summarised, while retaining high levels of anonymity. I have to look into the issues they face as adults and see in each case how that relates back to their problems as children. I also need to read through possibly hundreds of research studies on divorce (social research documents are not always easy to decipher, with statistics and charts, and lots of social science lingo...thank the Lord I have a social science degree). I have to brainstorm chapter ideas, making sure each chapter flows into the next with absolute clarity, so that nothing can take away from the message. Then, on top of all of this, I have to bring all of the myriads of information together into one document. Then comes the seemingly endless process of editing and rewriting the manuscript to prepare it for publication. Can anyone understand why I was feeling a little overwhelmed here?

But in the midst of that, I received a call from my mother. Isn't it great when mothers just seem to know at the right moment when their children just need that little bit of encouragement? She said that she was so excited about this new venture, and believed that it was going to be one of those eye opening, life changing books that  changes the whole community. "It's gonna be one of those books," she said. "I'm all for what you are doing, and stand behind you 100%." Just when I was feeling overwhelmed, God sent along my mum to encourage me.

This is no small task, but now I know why God needed me to work on this full time. So I had to sacrifice working in a full time paid career. So what? I feel like I have just taken on a PHD thesis to be honest. But there is already incredible interest in the book, that I know I am in the right place. God is in it, and I can't wait to see what He does with it.

P.S. This picture echoes just how I feel. Do you feel like that sometimes?