Divorce. Its a word we hear spoken quite regularly. But we don't just hear it out in the general society. Unfortunately, when it is spoken of in church, it is often not from the pulpit, but people themselves experiencing it. We hear plenty about it, but why does nobody ever tell the other side of the story? Why does nobody speak of those who remain the silent casualties of war? Why doesn't anybody speak about the children?
Hi, my name is Corallie Buchanan, and I know all too well the pain that divorce brings to children. I grew up not knowing what a father was, nor what a 'normal' family should be. My earliest memories are filled with pain, and I never remember a time in my childhood where there was peace. As if living with this pain wasn't bad enough, I grew up with a severely disabled sibling which made life even harder. From a very early age, I was bitter, hard hearted, and resentful. I was a very angry child. I struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts, self-hatred, negativity, and feelings of absolute helplessness...and all before the age of 10 years old. I was a complete and utter emotional wreck, and I didn’t know how to get out. I wanted to die. Let me tell you, I had a LOT of emotional problems. I have experienced parental divorce more than once, and I spent much of my later life just trying to get over it. But I also found the grace of God at the age of 16, and my life has never been the same since. My testimony is that I am still here!
The hard part for me was not having anybody to help me. Nobody understood what was going on inside my head. My mother tried counselor after counselor, and nothing seemed to work. It wasn't until I got in my room alone with my bible and God that anything began to change. Since then, God has done miraculous things in my life, including a writing award, at least one published book, another one on the way, and countless other opportunities to speak into people's lives. Any opportunity God gives me to speak to people and help them get out of their messes, I consider an honour. But lately, God has been opening up a few new areas to me. I now feel a strong call to empower adults to help their own children, by helping them get into their child's mind and understand how they feel. If people understood what was going on inside, they would be better equipped to help our hurting children.
Children will react to divorce in different ways from their parents, and so many parents struggle to understand just how their child is feeling. Quite often in the turmoil and stress that comes with divorce, children are forgotten. Believe me, they feel it. But you can make a difference in your child's life, by God's help. Your child does not have to become a statistic.
This series of articles over the next few issues of Captivated is designed to help you get into the mind of your child, and understand divorce from their perspective. In this study, we will tackle both the short and long term effects of divorce on your child, and practical ways on how you can help them through it. Kelly and Emery (2003) identify six main areas of immediate, short-term impact which include: parental loss, economic loss, more life stress. These will be discussed in more detail as the series goes on. We will also speak of learning to hold your tongue (James 3), certain behavioural problems that may lead you to believe that your child is experiencing issues, and even begin to delve into what issues your children might be expecting to face in the long term future, especially in marriage relationships. Not much is written on the effects of parental divorce on the future marriage relationship, and is an area that sorely needs attention.
While divorce is not the ideal solution, the effects on your children can be overcome with a lot of prayer, gentle guidance, and work. While you may not be able to do everything yourself (after all, nobody is superman), you can look to those around you for help. If you don't have anyone, then start looking in churches, children's sporting clubs (you never know, there may be single parents doing the same thing as you). I am looking forward to taking on this journey with you over the next few months.
© Corallie Buchanan 2010.
