After watching somebody's testimony on tape this morning, I really felt the need to once again bring out my own testimony and share it with you guys. I wanted to do this to honour God, and to remind people that no matter what you have been through or are going through right now, no pit is so deep that God cannot reach down into it and pull you out. No emotional grave is too hard for God. You may feel like your life is a graveyard, or that the inside of your heart looks like ground zero, but nothing, absolutely nothing is beyond God's help.
My personal testimony : The journey of my life with God
Ever since I was a child, I have experienced some kind of pain in my life. My own mother left my father when I was just seven months old, to get away from his often violent behaviour and short temper. She later remarried when I was three years old. My mother had my younger brother. Due to tension and long suffering within the marriage, it ended when I was ten years old. During that time there was constant fighting in the house, which eventually lead to my mother’s total nervous breakdown. For months my mother stayed in a private hospital, unable to swallow food. Instead, she was fed through a tube. I only saw her a few times during those long months. I remember feeling it to be all my fault.
As a result of having a disabled brother, I often felt left out of the equation, as my mother would often have to tend to my brother’s needs before mine. There was nothing she could do about it. We were never able to go on family holidays, and we couldn’t go on outings. I felt alone and unworthy, and most of all unloved.
At primary school, I was a social outcast. Nobody would play with me at lunchtimes, and I would often find myself sitting in a corner of the library by myself. In highschool, although I had friends, I never really did feel accepted or even part of the ‘in-group’. I grew to hate myself.
As a result of many things that happened in my past, I was insecure and would constantly tear myself down. I was in so much emotional pain that I wanted to die. I was angry with God for letting these things happen to me, and I often thought about committing suicide. I was very bitter and hard hearted; also regretful and depressed, because I had never really had a father figure in my life.
When I was ten years old, I remember being in so much pain that it caused me to begin to experience depression and anxiety, and made me prone to outbursts of anger. I was a complete and utter emotional wreck, and I didn’t know how to get out.
I surrendered my life to God on my first youth group camp when I was twelve years old. I came to the point where I realised I was a sinner, and that I needed God. Although I had been brought up in a Christian home, I had never really let the message of salvation through Christ sink in. Up until that time, I had never really thought of myself as a sinner. I finally realised that without God’s grace and mercy, and without the sacrifice that Jesus made on the cross, my salvation would not be possible. I would not be able to have close fellowship with God, without accepting Jesus as my Lord and Saviour. I realised that without the shedding of blood, there can be no forgiveness (Hebrews 9:22), and that I needed God in my life. I made my first commitment to Christ on this youth camp, however, it took many years before this realisation was to be worked out in my life.
During my high school years, I fell away from God. The healing process that needed to take place in my heart had not yet begun to take effect. When I hit university, the emotional pain that I had been in finally began to take its toll on my physical body. I often suffered from major panic attacks. I would be in such a panic that I would be hyperventilating and heaving, trying to breath. My mind would be completely blank, and my stomach felt like it was on a roller coaster. I was losing weight and getting sick all the time, until finally I came to a point where I could stand it no longer. I rededicated my life to Christ, and surrendered my life to Him. I realised once again that I was a sinner and needed forgiveness for my sins. I realised that the only way that I could ever find healing in my heart was if I surrendered my past to God, and allow Him to begin a healing process in my life.
Throughout my life, I have experienced a great deal of pain and sadness. I have experienced severe undiagnosed depression, suicidal thoughts, social exclusion, family turmoil, divorce, lack of father figure, amongst many other things. All of these hard experiences led to me experiencing a lot of emotional pain. It left me in a state of complete emotional turmoil for many years. I didnt know if I could ever get out of my mess. My life was a complete wreck, and it was this deep pit that God reached His hand into to pull me out. If it werent for God, I would not be here today. I would most likely have committed suicide by now due to the direction I was heading.
I will be forever grateful for Gods gracious love towards me, and His ever-present desire to fill those gaps that I experienced as a child.
My family has often told me that I inherited a great deal of characteristics from my great grandmother, Annie Rudolph (R middle). Annie was a very strong Christian woman, who was a deaconess and regular preacher in the Baptist church in the early 1900s. Her husband, Henry J. Rudolph, invested thousands upon thousands of dollars into an organisation called Christian Works Mission. This mission saw the establishment of many ventures, including a Baptist retirement home in Rockhampton called Shalome Retirement Home. Henry also bought a property and built a church on it using his own money. Out of the eight siblings that Annie had (including two adopted), six were very strong Christians.
I may not have had much of a life before Christ, but I certainly have one now! Even though I didn't have a good start in life, I treasure the legacy my great grandparents left to me. I also think of what kind of legacy I might want to leave behind. Most importantly, I am constantly reminded of the amazing journey God has placed me on, and the hard things He has brought me through. Without God, I would eventually be lying in a gutter somewhere.
My hearts desire is to pastor and disciple young women who have come from broken homes, and/or grown up without their fathers. I have a real desire to work with people who have come from a similar background to me, and who are still suffering from the effects of their past. I pray that God would enable and empower me to be an instrument through which His healing power can be used.
My hearts desire is to serve God, to know Him and make Him known. I believe that God has given me a passion for writing down the lessons that I have learned and my experiences with God, to share them with other people so that they may be helped and encouraged. With Gods leading and direction, I want to help people find the same victory in God that he helped me find. I want to see people become all God has created them to be, and to rise up out of the pain of their past.
If there was hope for me, then there is hope for anybody! If you give over control of your life to God, you will see Him completely change you to the point where you dont even want to go back! He will make your life so amazingly complete that you will never want to live another second without Him in your life. Romans 3:23 says that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, which means that it doesnt matter who you are we have all done wrong things. These wrong things separate us from God. But the rest of the verse says that we were all justified freely by His grace. Grace is the unmerited favour of God. God loves you no matter what you have done, and wants to have a relationship with you. If you would like to give control over to God and ask Him to come into your life and make you new, then pray this prayer:
Dear God,
I know that I have done wrong in my life and walked away from you. I realise that my wrong things separate me from you, Please forgive me for all the wrong things that I have done. I give control of my life over to you Jesus and ask you to come into my life and make me a new person, and change me from the inside out. Thankyou that you have forgiven me, and I look forward to spending the rest of my life getting to know you better. Amen!
If you have prayed this prayer, then I would love to hear from you.
The amazing blessing of life is that I now have a wonderful husband, who teaches me things about God on a daily basis, who works with me to help me understand myself and my God better. I also have an awesome relationship with my stepfather, and he is really making an effort to make up for all those lost years of relationship we might have had, by becoming a father to me, and a grandfather to my daughter. God CAN heal and restore relationships, if you will let him. I guarantee it!
